my own little world

I wish you enough

2007-08-30T13:05:00.000-04:00

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

2006-09-09T22:19:00.000-04:00

I'm bored!
So, nothing is going on right now and I'm thinking about doing something that I will not enjoy just b/c my friend is. Nothing bad, but definitely not something I'll be comfortable at. There were tons of things to do tonight, but my back was hurting like crazy. So I don't know what to do. i'll go check mail. what fun.
ha.

Forever ago

2006-09-03T23:48:00.000-04:00

So it was forever ago that I posted on this thing. Crazy. So school is really weird this year. Totally goes up and down all the time. Right now I'm pretty good, but earlier today was rough, but two days ago was amazing. A roller coaster. So I asked God some stuff awhile back and this is how he explained the whole back thing to me. I get joy out of dancing. I was made that way. But God is teaching me how to get my joy from him alone. So that means no dancing. That's not why this is happening, but that is some of the good that came out of it.
And during church today I was bored b/c I'm not used to Presbetyrian churches and so I was entertaining myself by listening to what God told me about ppl. This one girl lives in a verbally abusive home. Another didn't think she was pretty. Two of the boys I went to the church with wanted to be just like the pastor. They had a real desire to know God. There were a lot of really good men in the church. And then I prayed. I prayed because I didn't know what else to do. I felt bad for the girl with the messed up family. And it bothered me most of today b/c I didn't have anyone I could talk to about all this. And I didn't talk to any of the ppl God told me about. But I did pray.
It's amazing what you can hear if you listen. I asked God once what he was doing in the world and he told me. He told me several countries where he was doing certain things. I don't remember anymore, but it was cool. I just looked thru my journal trying to find what God told me about the countries. He's told me some good stuff recently, and I've been thru a decent amount of crap. I'm glad. It's made me fuller and more alive. To be truly alive in this world you have to be able to know God thru the pain and the joy and happiness. So, sometime soon I'm going to start to create. To create movement. And I'm excited. I can't wait to move. Jesus, I'm excited. I'll be able to play again and jump and create and just dance. And it won't hurt to sit in classes and I'll be able to touch my toes. yippee!!!
Till then I'll amuse myself with people, my camera, and knowing Jesus. It feels good to be able to truly know that I truly know Jesus and that I talk to him all the time.
I want to spread that sometime. THere is so much in this world that needs love. So much brokeness and despair. God I ask for hope in this place. In my college, in Durham, in America, in the world. I pray for hope. And I ask that you would step into those hopes and make them come to be.

2006-05-06T01:02:00.000-04:00

so guys I'm home.... I'm doing fine, so we'll try this whole summer thing and with any luck it will all work out fine. I'll have to hang out with everyone, so call me anytime. Now I'm going to sleep in my own bed for the first time in forever. Goodnight all. see you soon.

scared

2006-05-01T20:15:00.000-04:00

so... I have to think some things through and I'm going to do it here b/c few ppl read this and the ppl who do love me.
I'm scared to go home. I realized this today. First of all, before I go home I have to pack all of my belongings and empty my cozy home of a dormroom. Second, I'm gonna miss the people here like I have never missed anyone in my life. Especially Karyn. She's the one who saw me crying today.
What do I do with the pain in my life? I don't know what to do with it so I push it down so I don't have to deal with it. God, take my crap. I don't know what to do with it. Pushing things down really doesn't help. It's gotten so that almost everytime I even think about my dad I get upset. And he is nice and loves me and really wants to do what he can. It just hurts. And none of my stuff is going to fit back in my room because the house has expanded into my room so that it isn't really mine. That scares me because my room was my safe place for me to hide in. Here I havn't had to deal. I havn't had to be so patient. To suffer quietly. I havn't had to try to stay at peace when my family is falling apart. I havn't had to worry about money stuff much b/c I don't have any, but I don't need to spend any either. I havn't had to share a car. I havn't had a car, but I don't need one. Here I literally am only alone for one or two hours a day that I'm awake and the rest of the time I'm with my friends. I don't have to clean the kitchen or deal with peeing dogs. I have a friend upstairs and several other poeple that I feel safe around. That I feel safe enough to maybe talk about what I feel inside. Maybe. There are people here that like me and I know it and I can act as stupid as I want and it's fun. I talk here. I'm able to touch poeple here. I'm able to learn new things here. And dance like I never have before. I can go to the studios out of class time to mess around. I'm scared to be around my family. I love them all so much. Each one, but if I'm not able to be at a place where there is peace it destroys me inside. Here I can walk around campus and find a hideyhole out side where I can look at the sky. I'm going to have to deal with some stuff this summer. I know it and I'm not looking forward to it. My family status has changed this semester, but it hasn't bothered me because I havn't been near my family. I love Jesus, but recently I havn't felt him as often. He hasn't spoke to me as often. I havn't listened as often or spent as much time with him. And he's my father. I wonder if I can ever accept that. I've loosened my standards a little here. Not the major ones, just the exterior ones and I wonder if that will have to change back at home. I don't know what my role will be once I'm back. I don't know what my responsibilities will be or how I'll think of them or deal with them. I think it will be a good summer, but the reentry scares me. I'm excited about seeing all of you. Really, really excited. I'm excited that I have people back home that love me and want to spend time with me. Actual friends that I can chill with hopefully all the time. I didn't have that two years ago, just last year. I'm going to miss the dorm. Definitely not the food here though. It's gotten so bad that I think I have eaten less in the past two weeks than almost any two weeks in my life. I've still eaten a lot, but not compared to usual. God I don't know what to do. All of these thoughts just appeared out of seemingly nowhere this afternoon. THat scares me a little. They've been around and I havn't known or all this has been growing inside me without my knowing it. Weird. Well, I'll see you next sunday people most likely. pray please.

satisfied

2006-04-20T20:28:00.000-04:00

I'm happy.
I am at peace now... we prayed Monday night, and I have spent time with Jesus every day this week which has been wonderful.
We had the Broadway Review show this week. It was super fun. I have never performed broadway sort of stuff before, and it's super fun b/c the audience gets so into it. It is totally different. Also, I've been able to spend more time with my best buddies... yay.
This morning was the last class of my Tues/Thurs modern class, and Mrs. Wynne let us improv to worship music at the end. It was refreshing. I havn't done that since I was home visiting youth group at spring break. That is why I dance. Truly. Worship is one of the best things ever. Maybe it is the best thing ever. At least for us to do. Mrs. Wynne was crying at the end. I've never had a dance teacher who lets her students worship and gets so touched she cries.
I love some of the people here and I'll miss them this summer, but I'm also excited to go home and see you all. One disadvantage to going off to school. So basically, I wrote this post to say that I'm doing better.
:)

turmoil

2006-04-17T15:55:00.000-04:00

So.... I'm about ready to come home. Two weeks left, hopefully of fun and fellowship.
right now I'm meloncholy. I think it's from the sermon I heard yesterday. It was good, but not really concluded. He talked about the things that shape us and had us remember the first time someone else's decision effected us negatively, the first time we realized the evil force in the world, and other questions like that. They basically brought to mind every huge struggle I have ever come across, and some are far from resolved. Those are the sort of things I don't dwell on because they mess up my emotions. I suppose I ignore them... I don't know. So then he made us think of the first time we knew someone unconditionally loved us, and the first time we were saved and stuff. These things aren't as big landmarks in my life. I don't remember firsts, they have always been. I was raised into all of these things and I don't remember when they transitioned from my parents beliefs to mine. I remember exactly when I first realized there was something wrong with my dad's body and that he wasn't stronger than anything else. I do remember when I realized my parents didn't really like eachother any more. I can feel the tension in my home last year. I can feel the uncomfortableness of being excluded at dance. I realized recently that it wasn't really them, but it was the fact that their child hood and my childhood had nothing in common. It is hard to be comfortable around people you have nothing in common with. Someone said last night that they hate hospitals. That made me think of the two bad experiences I have had with hospitals. One on a thanksgiving and one this year. All of these things are churning around right now and my best friends havn't gotten back to school yet. And one of them was just with his best friend who lost her mom and doesn't have a dad. I don't know how he's doing. So... the sermon was "good" but it definitely didn't make me focus on God and Easter. And I can't even dance normal b/c my nerve still makes it that I can't lift my right leg more than 45 degrees without pain and my back hurts.
but we'll have prayer tonight. We can't forget this week. It's important.
None of this is new though. I've delt with it all before. Obviously not permanently, but enough for awhile.
Jesus, give me peace please.

2006-03-27T20:49:00.000-05:00

Hi guys... back at school am I.
Its interesting right now. Lots of good and lots of bad. My roommate is starting to hang out with this one guy constantly. He's really cool. Most of my friends are involved in the play that's going on now and their lives are consumed so I rarely see them. Interesting family things have been happening. Alyssa, I talked to Brianna about you and she was amazed that we both know you. You are just so cool. I got moved up in my dance levels for next semester. hehe. So I'm in level three now and most freshman didn't leave level one. I don't like talking about it here b/c I don't want to make them feel bad, but I feel free to boast about it now. I just tried to spell boast with out an "a" and it looked really wierd.
Ok, so one of the most exciting things since I've been back was that the sermon on Sunday was about worship, which is probably my most favorite thing in the whole world. Then we worshipped, and I felt as much in God's presence as I do at Grace on a good day which is about the third time in Mississippi worship.
Ok, and something weird. I said something about how my prophecy said I was like a starburst b/c we were eating starbursts. Sarah was like what? She didn't know that prophecy existed outside of bible times. Tongues either. So weird. That is what it is like down here in presbeterian world. Not really, there are some ppl who seem to go to a church like Grace, but I've never really talked to those ppl. My dance teachers mostly are like that though which is nice. Mrs. Wynne is the best and it was her birthday today. Instead of having modern class we went to Bop's for ice cream.
So.... pray for me when you think of me. This next while will be hard. Family and the performance is coming up and my sciatic nerve still hurts which is a pain almost constantly and definitely every time I dance which is at the least three classes a day.
luv you all.

2006-03-13T12:29:00.000-05:00

So I'm home....
It's very different here. I can't control the tension in my life as easily.
It isn't just my world. All I do is for someone else of because of someone else. I have to share a car and work out every detail. I need permission and advice and to be able to work around others.
But it's good. The puppies are so adorable. I love to see the people I know and who I have shared my past with. I love to see my family and live in a house. I can sleep in my own bed, use a real bathroom, and have access to a fridge with real food in it.
The main goals I have here are to enjoy all of these people that I love and to bless mom.

Some things about me. I sense tension and try to absorb it and give the other people peace. I like to make people smile and just live. This has been my recent ding on the head.
Another thing. I talk more in Mississippi. I am more fun in MS. I act stupider and enjoy it more in MS. I have great potential to act retarded. It comes out now and then here, but I'm a lot more reserved it seems to me.
So, there is a ton inside me that I'd love to share with people and I generally don't know how to get it out. I love to be the center of attention.

Ok, so recently I havn't spent much one on one time with Jesus, but he is very romantic just so you all know. Just think about it some time. Its really a lot of fun. And when you realize how much Jesus loves you and how special you are to him, your view of yourself changes. I have brought my need for love to him and he's so excited to fill it.
And my roommate Sarah Borders is Awesome!!!!

If you want to see me anytime this week please call... I want to see people.

pray...

2006-02-27T00:53:00.000-05:00

So... it would be nice if you would pray.... one of my friend's life fell apart today and it is making the lives around her go crazy.... She's in the hospital... not dying, but not quite alive either.... it's a mess... and no small one...

sitting here
stunned
new experience this...
how do you help hopeless people?
heaviness.
drought
aloness
fear and solitude
God be omnipresent tonight...
please

so much need
so little help
can this be mended
time
it may help
lots of time
it may help
but only with divinity
only with a miracle
why can't I see a miracle
a good fast one that's obvious to all
a good healing or such
so I can rejoice in the power of the God I chose
so I can see his hands
I wanna see
something...

it's 1:49 in the morning

2006-02-15T16:51:00.000-05:00

ok, so I'm tired and life is feeling heavy.... this week was better... but it's time for bed and I'm feeling I'm not feeling joy.
When I sense people in a depressed sort of state, I feel thier emotions. Then I don't know what to do with them. I empathize inside and they generally never even know. My friends here have been having it rough lately.
I want to dance like crazy, but I havn't given myself the freedom yet. I want to talk deeply with someone, but how? How do I talk to them when I don't even know how I feel myself? This week is going to be hard. Extra rehearsals and tests, a midterm, quizes and an evaluation.
Do I feel lonely? is that it? I had a lovely chat with mom today and talked til late with Kristen yesterday and that was really nice. I need a best friend. Well, I need anyways.... Tomorrow is sunday.... church and we're making lunch and dinner.... (different sets of we)
I need spiritual feeding... I think that's what it is. I went through church withdrawl last semester... I think it's hitting again. I go to church here, but it is nothing comparable to Grace.... Not anywhere close. I miss worship... worship here is talking about God, not talking to my beautiful one. I miss prophecy.... I miss hearing the words that God is telling his people. I miss walking into church and knowing people my age and kids and all grown up people. People who know me well and have known me for years. I don't get fellowship like that here. I have some good friends and we talk some and it can be really good, but it hasn't been fulfilling lately. I just need Jesus to satisfy me. That's all I need. It's not too hard... he's done it before and he does it all the time...
goodnight-- this is the day that the Lord has made.....

2006-01-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

words mean so much and so little...
they can change a life, or be ignored or forgotten.
Our life is full of words, yet we can go a long time without speaking.
Words mean so much, but they can mean so many different things depending on body language and tone. Yes, bodies speak. You can say a lot without using words. That is what I want to learn to do in dance. To tell a story, convey an idea, paint a picture, and transfer the yearning in my soul to that of another. I'm really wanting to create a dance. Just to create. But I don't know how to start. What song, what idea, what story, what picture, what feeling? I want fun and worship and conveying and just movement. Starting with a song might be good. But I don't have any inspiring music. Not for dancing to.... At least that I know of right now.

I want to paint a word picture... but I don't know what to write about...
I talked and prayed with Jaimie today. it was beautiful. It was whole.

grumpy kim

2006-01-14T20:54:00.000-05:00

hello my lovely north carolinians of whom only one of you actually read my blog... thank you Alyssa I do appreciate it. :)
Anyways, today was an extraordinarily uneventful day. The best part was my prayer time this morning. I asked God for things that I wanted him to do in the year 2006. Like I want to be closer to God, I want revival at my school, I want help for some of my friends... So that was fun. The rest of the day has been lethargic and on and off boredom. Maybe because I didn't dance today or do any form of excercise. I need to do something active, but I don't know what.
So school this semester should be good. Challenging. The dance will be hard.
Halelujah. Last semester it wasn't that hard.
Ok, here is something that bugs me. I got pretty good grades in all my classes last semester because all my classes were easy. So there is this class they call Master Learner (master looser by students). It is the freshman seminar class. It's boring and you don't have to do basically anything in it. So I did all the assignments and came to all the classes. But somehow I got a B. I don't think that is possible unless my "mentor" person took off 10 points for talking in class. I didn't even really talk at all. I really don't understand. So that is my lowest grade for the whole semester and it was my easiest course and I think I should have gotten an A. It makes me mad. Stupid Master Looser!!! I hates I do. My preciouuussss.....
I want to go be active with ppl. But not play ultimate frisbee even though that is almost always going on. I have never really played and the one or two times I did no one passed to me. I have no confidence in that stupid game.
Oh, and did you know that you will never see someone as bad at pool as I? I never have. I really amaze myself every time I try to play and it makes me mad. I tried today. It's a good thing I'm good at something. I can play fooseball half decently though thank goodness.
All of my friends are in play practice from 7- possibly 11. Sniff. here I am and it's 8:07.
I think I'm going to go off and wander. Maybe climb a tree. Probably not, but that sounds really good right now.
Sayanora kids.

hope

2005-12-22T00:09:00.000-05:00

So much emotion at holiday time....

The hurt seems to hurt all the more but there seems to be joy everywhere.
people have fun even when they aren't enjoying themselves. This is the time we remember what we once had. What we've lost. But also what we've gained. experience. a view on life that is somehow older. maybe even wiser. You see what friends you have and what friends you used to have. Some are able to be reconnected with. some....

something I have noticed recently is that you should never shun someone for something they've done unless it's absolutely neccessary. Even if they do stupid things you can still be their friend. And maybe you don't know all the details. maybe they did the right thing and you looked to shallow to see the real issue.

right now people are changing. my friend is facing insecurity like she has never seen before because her grandma is dying and it could impact her very core. my family will go thru Christmas like it has never seen or imagined. I see broken hearts everywhere i look. crying out. it is heavy this year around me. but there is so much good. I see light beginning to peek into one relationship so that I saw a real person in my once best friend for the first time in about three years. I see people living through the pain. living and loving and laughing. I see hope. in this place that seems to defy hope at times.

paper thin
bends, crumples, tears, smudges
touched by someone close
ripped
scared to be close
scared to open
fear of being pierced

what if
the rain comes
pressure comes
the world is torn asunder
nothing can ever be right; whole
those you love don't know you

then the sun comes
the paper thin
can be patched, erased, smoothed
worn, but whole
and somehow things end up right
really right
as if paper thin was new
it's worn and beautiful
a useful antique
beautiful and steady

miracles are true
the tear can mend
fully with no mark
the creases add to the life of it
paper thin and safe
enclosed
in firm
flexible still, moveable still
ready to try
to trust?
to be touched by someone
someone close

no guarantee
paper thin
must hope
hope that this touch won't burn
gentle?
can it be?
must hope
without hope
no evidence
only smudges and tears
hope

Guess what.....

2005-12-19T15:39:00.000-05:00

I'm Home!!!

coming home...

2005-12-14T20:20:00.000-05:00

So guys... I'm all packed up and I head out tomorrow morning. If you see this before then pray for me b/c i'm driving 14 hours with another girl in her car that had broken down 5 times this semester. So I'll be home soon. I don't know what to think of it. I'm excited though, I finished my first semester of college and I have seen all my grades but for one class and I've done well in everything so thats exciting.
going home...
after so long, but will it be the same? change? I've lived elsewhere so long... adjustments; readjusting to home. Will the troubles be the same? better or worse?
I know it will be wonderful though. Seeing my family, hanging out with friends, good food, good food, non cafeteria food, edible things to eat at any time of the day, and going to church where there is good worship, and seeing people of all ages, playing with kids, driving, not paying for shampoo or toothpaste, and knowing that these wonderful people that I have come to love will be back when I come back in a short time at the beginning of next year.
This has been a good semseter. I've loosened up and gotten more confident and comfortable being myself. I've gotten closer to Jesus even though I definitely went through grace church worship withdrawl. I've made friends with amazing people and been encouraged by so many compliments and smiles. The dancing environment here is 1000 times better than what I was in last year. I love to dance again. I realized that it has been since I was eleven since I have had such a good environment to dance in. Yay.
I have to unplug everything including this computer

don't know what to fill your void with? Try Pie!

2005-11-26T01:01:00.000-05:00

I'm home!!!! it's been since August, but here I am in my own room in my house with my family and lots of food downstairs. It was weird flying here. When I landed in Raleigh I was actually nervous, but it's been good. Really good. There have been some odd spots, but I love food. Did you know it's real up here? whatever they have down at Belhaven is not real. Somehow it keeps you going, but the process where it goes in your mouth and swirls around before the decent is somewhat lacking if you cannot even tell what it is you are supposed to be eating. Generally it is "food." Ice cream is one of the main dietary supplements there. Along with cereal and peanut butter. So here there is turkey in the fridge and today I had a grand total of five pieces of pie. Two blueberry, one apple, and two pumkin. Now that is called living.
And today I got to see some of my most wonderful friends that I havn't seen in ages! That was after watching Pride and Prejudice with my mom sister and Lauren(an addition to the family around holiday times). Good movie. So I got to see Lily from Japan. that was cool. weird but good. And I got to see Fuller and Ray and Meghan (yay) and B (and I got to see his girlfriend for the first time) and Q and Matthew. All the Japan team but the leaders. It was real nice to hang out with Fuller and Ray. It made me feel at home. (and I saw Nikki on thanksgiving... yay)
I'm going to church on sunday and I can't wait to see everyone! you better all be there.
So... we have a tree in our front yard that we'll be decorating tomorrow night. Yayah. some good old yuletide festivities.
God is good to me. I love it. I've had the good and the bad, but it is definitely good.

What does God want to do in you? Be gentle... open your eyes to this world he made... touch others through your service, your love for him and your joy... protect you from fear and shame.... talk to you because he loves you and he absolutely loves to speak with you...
do you hear him?

Jesus is yummy

2005-11-12T00:28:00.000-05:00

Jesus is amazing! have I said that recently? not really, but I should. He has been so real recently. Not always in my mind, but defninitely in my life. I feel him as I walk out the door into hte beatiful sunshine and hear the birds chirp and see the blue, blue sky...
There are such wonderful people here. ppl who love JC.... There's so much in my heart, but it doesn't always come out... I don't know what to write, but I just felt that a God post was in order... I'm talking about my life, and he's the center...
sooo.... talk to God... all the time.... and listen sometimes too.... pray for other people. I tried to find a verse for a friend yesterday and found some wonderful ones for myself....

this life claimed by Kim

2005-11-09T13:27:00.000-05:00

So folks... today has been good.... Ballet class was boring, so I entertained myself by acting stupid. I have realized that I am better than a great deal of the people in my class which makes me feel good. The teacher asked me to demonstrate something in class. oooohhhh.... what now?
I'm tired of going slowly... I want a challenge... I want to learn somehting new in dance, or do something really, really hard. But I still had fun.
After that I had a half hour before Master Learner... So what did I do? I went to my secret place and took pictures of myself on my cell phone that I thought were really funny. I make myself laugh sometimes... hehe Then we had the last Master Learner (freshman seminar class thing)!!!! Hip hip hooray! Plus it got out a half hour early. So right now I'm in a running around acting stupid mood. oh well...
Last night I wandered around campus in the dark... I went behind Gillespie by the lake and then went over behind the new dance building (called the swamp building by my wonderful friend Rachel). There I did my crunches and pushups that my ballet teacher makes us do. It was fun to do them outside in the grass by myself at night.
I've decided that the weather here is retarted!!! to the extreme. A few weeks ago it was COLD... like in the 30s... now it's probably in the 80s and yesterday it was swimming weather. Not indoor swimming weather or hot tub weather, but outdoor pool swimming weather.
so... there is more to this life claimed by Kim, but to know that you'll have to call me or email me or somesuch communication method....
la revedere

2005-11-07T15:16:00.000-05:00

So... life is coninuous... keeps going.... stays busy....
this week I
-helped destroy the 12th night set
-walked around the fountain talking out loud to good old JC
-met my friends family... I like families
-ate
-slept(not enough... but today I took a glorious nap)
-had a choreography showing where 2 ppl were missing and we'd never heard the music before so we didn't know what was going on
-skipped church
-read my journal from Japan
-borrowed my friends cd
-had a tea party at the student center
-got a face massage
-did my laundry
-heard back from all three ppl I sent cards to last week
-went to the opening of the new dance building and got fancy, yummy ohr' doerves(however you spell that stupid word)
-met someone who looks like pictures of my dad when he was a teenager
-climbed in a bulldozer
-celebrated my friends birthday with her

anyways... I'm doing good. Much better after the nap I had today. I have class in five minutes so I'm off....
oyasumi nasai

doing better

2005-10-28T11:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, so now I'm feeling much better. Quite glad in fact. I went to a David Crowder Band concert on Wed, which was absolutely amazing. Then this morning I ate one of my roommates yogurts with chopsticks which is always fun, and we had a coffee day in Ballet this morning. A coffee day happens once a semester instead of class, and you all go and buy coffee and sit and drink it. yay. I have class in a tad bit, but I have started missing ppl so if you ever feel like calling me, please do. I love you all.....

heavily laden

2005-10-25T22:01:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling down. My face is down b/c I'm tired, my mind is down b/c it doesn't know what to think.
I've had a lot lately of seeing the things that I want to do, then looking at where I am right now and not seeing any potential connection. I'm also quite ready to go home and see people that I have know for a long time. I want to have deep conversations without listening to the other person the whole time. Actually I only really had one friend at home that that had much chance of happening with often and I havn't really been her friend in a year and a half. There are people here that have potential, but the one person I could just go up to and say I'm feeling glum talks a lot. Well, I don't know.....
So this heavyness started yesterday and there was a slight release this afternoon. I had a good afternoon. The first good ballet class in the new building. Contact Improvisation... Always good.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. do not let your heart be hardened and do not be afraid.
John 14:27
It didn't work too well today. In chapel this morning I had the first Grace church like worship since I'd been here. I could have cried. I miss that so much. Walking into the back of church, giving hugs to three or four people and leaning back and pouring out your emotions to the God of the universe. I can do that here sometimes, but it's different with different music and different people. And I havn't danced during worship once. I miss it. We did have the most amazingly wonderful improv class ever last week though. That was possibly my all time best dancing experience.

God I'm perpelxed
I'm heavy inside
still but churning
I crave and desire
I need
NEED
i need to see your face
to feel your breath
to know your goodness
to have peace

where did it go?
so fleeting
here for so long
vanished
alone
looking around
pupose?
reason?

God?

i know i should sleep
i should rest myself
i need to do school
and laundry
and financial aid
and what about India?
do you want me there?
I would like to visit this summer

i need beauty
i need to feel the blanket of your love
i need people to come to me
encouraging
without my asking
Jesus here I am
in this state
of being laden
laden down
i invite you
be lord
be lover
be close

Hilarious

2005-10-14T11:55:00.000-04:00

So... today we were supposed to have Form and Meaning at 11:00, which is basically art history. Me and David look at the syllabus and it says
EARLY MID-SEMESTER BREAK - NO CLASS
just like that too... So we're like, he didn't say anything last class, so lets go see if we have it today or not. Plus, our fall break was Monday and Tuesday and it's over now. We go over and Mr. Theisen's moving this dresser thing with a wheely thing in the carpentry art studio. David says he was wondering if we had class because the syllabus said it was break today. Mr. T was like hmmm... I don't know, "thats the first I remember hearing of it. let me see the syllabus." So I showed him the proper line on the proper page that said we had an extra hour of freedom. He agreed that it must be true and decided he must have forgotten and that he was being "facetious" when he said the break was early.
HAHAHAHA!!!
so now I'm blogging when normally class would be starting right now.
And I even get to take a shower and have lunch!
wow. Usually I don't get more than a 10 min break for lunch and that's the time I'm supposed to walk from one class to the other.

look, I posted

2005-10-11T21:38:00.000-04:00

hi guys...
I like college. I loved fall break. and eating food and playing with twin babies and experiencing family life. I'm officially welcome in Philadelphia MS anytime with the Bensons. Sam even painted me a picture to hang on my wall. I had my family experience. I miss being around a full family. with kids and adults and everything. Right now I should be doing some form of school work. Reading or doing this stupid online tutorial thing, or reading something else. I'm brain dead. My brain has died and doesn't want to read, so I'm writing instead.
I enjoy it here so much, but I also find myslef missing different things about home. Mainly all of my friends. I went to the fair last week and it made me miss last fall when I went with a group of Grace kids and we all had a blast. The NC fair is way bigger than here and it has more things to do that don't cost money. This fair did have a circus thing though with Elephants and trapeize and the whole deal. That was cool.
The weather is turning heavenly. It's not 10.000 degrees outside and there is almost always a breeze, and this weekend you actually had to have a sweater or something or you would actually feel cold. That was thrilling.
Today after dinner I was in such a good mood that I wanted to go run somewhere, so I went off where there were no ppl behind Preston where there are trees and grass and started to run. THen I found the climbing tree and went up and called my mommie. That was lovely.
It was nice to come back from break and see all my friends and hear them say how they missed me and all even though it was only four days. That was my first time away from campus since I've been here. I'm going next weekend too. A group of dancers is going an hour away and we'll perform and do workshops and stuff. that will be cool.
I'm going to go off... I'm going to find Calvin and Rachel and Mimi and Caleb and we'll watch White Knights which is with Balanchine and I've never seen him dance eventhough he's only the most famous dancer ever practically. So that should be fun.

2005-09-12T14:47:00.000-04:00

Karyn

Abigail from nextdoor

Sarah my roommate

hurricane Katrina turned off the lights

David

here are some of the folks in my life. More to come later, but I have to go to class soon.

All of your comments made me happy... :)

being a flock of birds

2005-09-08T19:23:00.000-04:00

Yay, I had comments! I love it when people actually comment on your blog. ANways, life is still good. Classes started again two nights ago with my NT survey class that was almsot 3 hours. It was really fascinating though. I learned all about things I've never known before and reading Mark these past two days is so much better. Yesterday Rachel Bravo and I were wandering looking for people and we ended up just sitting in the elevatore for awhile. It was fun, and people give you really weird looks when they go to take the elevator up and there are two girls sitting on the floor just talking. hehe. Last night I stayed up with friends and we tried catching oranges with our necks and other such things and then ate cookies and drank milk and talked about how we came to be at Belhaven. I have so much to do, but lots of time, but not too much time it seems. There is always something I could be doing, but many times there are things I should be doing (like homework) and things I am doing (like haning out with people) and often I just don't do anything at all. It will be interesting to see how it all turns out.
Today in improv class we got to be like a flock of birds and it was hilarious. We were supposed to run around the room in a group without a leader, randomly changing directions, and without talking. Let me tell you that is fun. Especially when someone decides to totally turn around and you all have to go the opposite direction after running into eachother and stepping on feet and bumping. So... I'm going to go do some homework because I must. Leave me more comments nad make me happy. :)

Katrina has come and gone

2005-09-03T17:47:00.000-04:00

So folks... here I am at Cups... the coffee shop within walking distance here in Jackson Mississippi. WE got our power back on last night from the hurricane and I got 2 hours of sleep. the power was on, but not powerfully enough for the air conditioner to fully kick in so I got up at three and stayed up till now besides an hour nap before breakfast. So I did some crafts and talked to Rachel Bravo for many hours. About dance, and dreams, and fathers, and life, and emotion and the difference between girls and boys nad about nothing in particular. THis past week we havn't had school, so i've only had 2 days of school so far and it starts again on Tuesday. I have jumped in the fountain twice, waded in a river, played on an awesome playground with a tire swing that basically never stops, had a cookout where neighbors were emptying there freezers. I had deer meat for the first time. I helped clear peoples yards of trees and branches, and helped in a shelter by serving food, organizing, playing with kids and doing anything else I could find to do. Every night I have talked for hours with people and acted retarded and spoken of deep things and I really love it. I feel like I know some of these people better than I've ever known people besides my family memebers. Karyn, Rachel, David, Calvin, Janette, and more. I love to walk and I love being around this many ppl my age who love God. Obviously not all of them love God, but a good deal of them at least seem to. I could easily live here for 4 years. I like college. THere isn't even school yet. Right now there are only about 20 ppl on campus b/c most left from the storm. Today I did laundry, and didn't sleep and took my first shower in 5 days. I was gloriously dirty. It was absolutely glorious. I can wear what I want and eat when, what, and where I want, and I'm around ppl who don't care that some dancers are supposed to be sticks. I'm thinking of taking an acting class or something, b/c I've been hanging out basically with actors and dancers nad I want to act some. Rachel has a father who is blind and in a wheelchair, so I've bonded with her. SHe can understand somethings that no one else can even though our situations are different. I love it.
So friends. I hope you are all well nad not needing too much gas. In times like these it is a good idea to walk.

Belhaven college- BC

2005-08-24T21:03:00.000-04:00

So, here I am in good old Mississippi. I'm actually finding myself talking with more of a southern accent than I have ever used in my entire life. Anyways, classes start tomorrow. yay. Not taking too many this semester, mainly dance classes and the world view curriculum that all the freshmen take. I got my phone back. yay. I'd left it at home, but nice Mrs. Gwaltney mailed it to me. My roommate is nice. She's friendly and we get along together. She eats my food, but thats my only complaint and she's offered me several things so, i feel like we're back to even. I havn't taken pictures yet. I need to. But I'm pretty much settled in. Got my local phone, my cell phone, my internet, my books, and I'm working on the transcript that I forgot previously. Yesterday all the freshmen went to Twin Lakes and bowling that night. I'm still horrible at bowling, but I did better than I did in Japan. So I'm sortof maybe kindof improving. I lost the first game, but I beat one person in the second so thats good. THere were so many of us that there weren't enough shoes so we all bowled barefoot or in socks. Always good. Yup, this college is not the kind of christian college with lots of rules. You can pretty much do what you want, but there are more christians around and Christian opportunities. So that's about what I wanted. I wonder who is in my classes.... hmmm....
anyways, I'm going off into the wide blue yonder....
I'll come again another day

of to mississippi

2005-08-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

I finished packing!!! I'm so happy. I didn't really pack at all until today so I wasn't sure if I'd be able to pack my life into bags and cart it down stairs. I still havn't seen if it'll fit in the car, but I can make it fit. Tonight is my last night at home. 18 years... thats a long time here. Very familiar and comfortable and generally safe. My beautiful room of two years. Cozy and comfy. decorated as much as a feel like I want to decorate it. Oh, I forgot to bring the bullatin board. Anyways, mom's home so I'm gonna go downstairs... love you all, and the more you comment the more I'll post. hehe. So I'm off to college. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement.
Sayanora

Japan

2005-08-03T10:48:00.000-04:00

Sooo.... here I am still in Japan. it:s almost 24:00 according to this computer. I]m having sooo much fun. Nobu is absolutely hilarious. man, i just about died of laughter today. so today we went to a castle from 1600 something. it was awesome. there were gardens and walls and towers and huge buildings with awesome roofs and everything. you have to take off your shoes to go in the buildings. i almost died from lack of liquids though b/c it:s almost as hot and almost as humid as the US and we were walking around all day.

the showers and toilets here are in seperate rooms and the shower is basically this room that you go in and there is a shower head on a hose thing. it actually makes a lot of sense that way and i like it. some places are a lot nicer than others though. anyways, its according to this computer 0:04, so I:m gonna go...
sayanora.

I'm going......

2005-07-25T21:46:00.000-04:00

So folks, I'm going to Japan. Off, away, and half around the world. for two weeks. I even have business cards! Yipee. I'm really excited and I want to see what in the world God is going to do. hehe. We know vaugely things that we'll do, like two kids class things, two youth camps and a young adult camp. But the rest is kinda misty to me. There are two human videos and two dances (I need to finish mine) and ppl will talk, but who knows...
God bless us, every one... (that was for you Claire)

Anyways, I'm off to pack and find things and put them all in one compact carry on. good luck to me.
luv you all and I'll try to email while I'm there....

the highway

2005-07-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

snapshot
captures an image of a second
can mean so much or so little
laughing children in the sand
rain clouds blanketing the sky
a blur of something

on day
just a moment in time
a moment in one persons life
one of the millions
can matter so much
be forgotten so easily
how can one moment matter so much in history
when at the same time thousands are about their business of nothing
typing, reading, teaching, laughing, gossiping, running, sleeping
joy, pain, hurt, terror, bliss, satisfaction, reactions
passing, or lasting
how can one person change?
how can one person change the world?
or even just their bad habits
so small
driving on the highway
surrounded by thousands of strangers
all with lives and hopes, dreams, and failures
look up at the sky and see
see the beauty, majesty, crisp cleanness and otherworldliness
and just think
those clouds were created
just like you and every other driver on that highway
with lives and stories and family
and God, the creator knew you
knew you'd be looking at that little patch of sky
and wondering
and he made that little patch of sky with you in mind
even if none of the other thousand sees
you will and inhale awe

such is a moment in time
passing, yes
glorious and meaningful
even if your heart is broken with tears streaming
you can look out and know
know that he who created those clouds and those wonderous trees
he is close and he is real
he's your dad and your big brother
who's proud of you and proud that you saw his little bit of sky he made for you
his arms around your shoulders
mouth near you ear
whispering
you may notice the words
maybe just the breath
you may not even sense past the tears
but he'll be there
wrapped around you
forever
delighting in you
and giving you little presents
like watching a dump truck squish a traffic cone
or a little girl being picked up by someone in a kilt
or just the words to a really good song

he'll share your tears and wipe your cheek
rub your heart and whisper in your ear
but once you can see past the tears
riding on the highway
see the sweet nothings
the gifts of God
the comfort of a wonderous king
your king

Ahhhhhhh........ brain overload.......

2005-07-10T22:57:00.000-04:00

hello dear readers....
it just so happens that my life is going at an insanely speedy pace and I have not had much time for poor neglected blogger. But many things have happened in my life as of late. I am now an illustrious 18, my hair is cut, I'm getting ready to go to Japan, college and Greensboro on Tuesday. I'm extremely excited about sleeping past 7:30 and extremely sad about swimming being over. You cannot understand how much fun it is. I'm sorry, no you just cannot. Tonight Keith took me to Fantastik 4 for my b-day and I watched this old movie. I LOVE old movies so much. Mommie bought me the War. I think that I've only cried at two or three movies and that's one of them. Ahhh... and such a good old movie too. with a 10ish-year-old Elijah Wood. What could be better? I'm so busy right now and there are ten thousand things to think about. I have to think about my packed day tomorrow and going to Greensboro the next day and getting ready to go to Japan and I havn't even started thinking about college yet and I want to see all my friends before I'm gone and I want to have a birthday party and I have to babysit and remember when I have to be where. and I have to share the car with Keith even though I want it constantly. And many more things. It's just crazy... and I want/need to go to bed now.
Sayoonara

ok, really good quote... "this isn't stealing, I like to call it vehicle relocation program." or something like that (from that old movie I watched tonight.)

last day of 17

2005-07-05T16:15:00.000-04:00

So... here I am on the floor in front of my computer. It's been awhile since I've done much comp stuff. It's been awhile since I've seen any of you guys. I wanted to go to matt's 4th of July thing, but I stayed with my family and we went to the pool. I won the belly flop contest. I'm so talented. It hurt like crazy. instant headache, and I had to do three. oh well. it was fun. there was also a pool wide game of keep away, girls against boys. about 50 ppl. it was awesome. After awhile of the girls loosing Gretchen decided to add all the guys over 40 to the gurls team. After that you'd hear such comments as. "I didn't know he was a girl" and such things. We won after that.

Tomorrow is my Birthday!!!!!!!! Yay. 18 here I come. Able to buy cigarettes and go clubbing. I've always wanted to do such things. Not really. So tomorrow I'm going to Emerald point with Keith, Katherine, some Barrows, and some Waldebaurs.

I'm so dang tired. Just am. Ryan and Becky are here from VA til tonight. They came on Sunday. Sunday was a bad day in the morniung. One of the worst, but oh well. anyways, so they're here and are cleaning our house. They have been since they got here. Our closets are clean, organized, and, yes, painted. Our Kitchen is definitely moreorganized than ever before. Even after moving in 19 years ago I'm sure it wasn't that organized. Ryan is even cleaning outside. Wow. that is torture for ya. Our everything drawer looks organized and there are countless labeled containers in the cabinets. It truly is amazing. I just looked at the calendar and it's scary. I turn 18 tomorrow, I leave for Japan 3 weeks from today and have plenty to do before then and then a week and a half later I leave for college in Mississippi. That is so wrong. My life will never be the same again. I need to go shopping for college. My roomate decided that I buy the fridge. She sounds nice, so I hope she's the kind of nice that stays nice after sharing a bedroom for about a year. ok, time to go...

I miss everyone... see you soon and happy birthday to me...

emma and ruthie

2005-06-24T14:07:00.000-04:00

Here's a pic of the little girls I've been babysitting for this week. Awww...
Today was awesome. I watch the blonde while her mom is in class and so we sit on the porch and you can hear the music and it's on Duke campus so it's pretty and you can see the dancers going and the little girls playing and your outside... it was some good living. I met someone from Amsterdam today with his little girl and someone from Italy. I'm gonna take class on Monday. yay.

I could live off of peace

2005-06-22T22:17:00.000-04:00

Soooo... here I am sitting in front of my comp, wet and chlorinated and full of milkshake. and actually in a good mood. I've been kind of sad for the past since sunday. Signey is awesome. and so is Callie. And so are all of you, and my whirlwinds and yeah... I finally got some peace back today. You don't know how much I've missed being at peace. Shalom.

So... the whole war cry deal. It was amazing. It was so fun to be around hundreds of Christians. To be able talk during the day about God and it not be an awkward subject. To meet ppl from different churches and get to know them and get to know about God thru them. I miss some of them though. That is kind of sad. And my Johnsons are leaving in 8 days to Romania. That's sad. So, in war cry there are two words that I remind myself when things aren't going well. Yeild and spirit. (well, filled with the holy spirit, but something like that). So before WC I was all hunky-dory going along thinking life was good if not great. The I happen along God. And he shows me things inside myself that I'd succeeded in hiding from myself. And I'm still working on that. there is a lot of pain inside that I knew was there, but pushed aside for lack of something better to do. And I learned it was ok to cry. For me it was like another beginning. Let me just say that Brandon Palmer is the coolest dude ever. He is a pastor somewhere, but I was in his workshop and any time he saw me he'd go, Hey Kim. His wife's cool too.

Now I'm tired. I want to recover my sleep or not be so exhausted or something. So what I learned at war cry was good, but this week I've felt like crap the entire time and havn't really talked to anyone much, but today I rediscovered peace and how good that is.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world does. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
All the yeilding and speaking in tongues didn't help me till I remembered that. Now I have two parkwook Piranhas tatoos on me. one on my ankle and one on my forearm. I'm not meant to be a swimmer. That's all I'm saying. Me and Signey are the heat 2 thrillers! booyeah.
why is the word father depressing? why do the initials of my dads disease and the state I'm going to college in have to be MS? Why can I feel so low after such a high with Jesus on the mountain top? Will my countless questions ever be answered? oh well.
I know that I know that I know that God is good and he loves me and he only does what is right and he has splendiferous plans for me and that I'm going to have joy in my life so intense that I can't stand any more. While I'm alive. I know it. So I can just sit here and learn and be ppl's friend and wait until I get to shine joy. And I know that I will go through horribly hard times that I can't imagine, but ya know... thats ok. It's ok b/c I'll have God on my side and I plan on hearing well done up in heaven. And ya know what? heaven rocks, and if I was just a little less well in the head, I'd think suicide would be pretty nice b/c then you get to see God. But, that would be a bad idea. no well done, messed up family members back here, no fulfilling my awesome destiny where I'm gonna be a great mother. So hey, I got stuff to look forward to. and now I'm in a really grand mood.
Just grand.

I'm fried

2005-06-11T22:10:00.000-04:00

Wow.... am I ever sunburned. you can see a distinct outline of where my suit was. Anyways, I have finally figured out how to get pics although it is still a rather annoying process. I'm actually not going to bother at present, but later I'll make a new blog to put all my pics on. Copying George the great. Oh well... there was something that I was just about to write down, but it just slipped my mind.

oh yeah! I got a $1000 scholarship for college!!! yay. always nice and good and helpful and happy. It's from the National MS society. Anyhow I found out about that today.
So now the big hullabaloo in my life will be about War Cry and all that stuff. I'm in both of the dances that are going to happen. It's kind of a an easy way to make some friends. It's not hard b/c I'm a good dancer. IT's so weird... in the normal world I feel like a great dancer, but I don't want to brag or anything, b/c I know this one kid at swimming who brags all the time and I just want to tell him to get over himself and chill out and maybe even smack him once or twice. So I don't want to be overly proud or anything. But sometimes all I want to do is dance around and show off. I even do it on occasion. But when I'm around other dancers (especially the ones at Raleigh) I feel like a mediocre/ ok dancer and always see things I wish I could do better. It's very strange. I really wonder how it will be at college. If I'll be one of the better dancers or not. There better be at least a few dancers who are better than me. I'm sure there will though. I wonder about it all. And it's one thing that I don't talk about much with you kids b/c you don't have any similar experience. Maybe some girls have taken dance, but most havn't taken much and ya know how it goes. So that brings me to that whole thing about marrying a dancer. It would be kind of nice, b/c he'd understand and have similar experiences and you could dance together. (it is fun to partner and be lifted around and stuff) but it might just be too weird. And there are not that many dancers around who aren't gay and even fewer who are christian. So you can bet I'm not holding my breath. Anyways... not sure exactly why I said that. see most of you tomorrow.

I'm sunburned.... well fried actually.

~* Everybody's got a waterbuffalo*~

2005-06-06T14:19:00.000-04:00

I'm surrounded with the noises of artificial gunfire and of boys discussing the said gunfire and other weapon/war related topics. Such as "I don't think they're really letting you hit your own guys" or "that was painful." But here am I, sitting at this wonderful computer that isn't slow and works wonderfully, and as a result, is not in the Holloway household.

Over back at my house, I don't even know if it could be called a house b/c the inside does not particularly resemble the house I once knew and lived in. The living room furniture and carpet was outside in the front when we left and everything from the boys and Katherine's room was transferred to my small and now very full bedroom that was so beautifully clean just a few hours ago. One of the carpet mover and putter inner ppl is hilarious. He's hispanic and doesn't speak perfect english. He picked up this quarter and was like oooh I found some money. so he gave it to me and was like go get yourself some lunch. It was quite a generous offer. He also liked these plastic glasses that looked retarded. he was like, oooh, now I can see better. Mom tried to give them to him, but he apparently didn't need them that badly.

So.... I now have a digital camera which is absolutely wonderful, but I can't hook it up to the comp. I tried for hours and followed all the directions. Oh well. Matt K is coming over tonight I think to try and fix it. Then I 'll put pics on my blog. How wonderful. ALso I had a lovely time at my party. Many ppl came and we all hung out and yeah, hung out. I had fun though. After all the grace ppl left we played speed scrable or whatever and i even won once. then mom showed the Harrises and Barrows our stupid music video that we made this year with the Ritches(our friends from VA). It is always slightly emabarrassing, but it wasn't too bad. I was nice to see Cally Harris. Hadn't seen her for awhile.

It seems like everyone is reminesing about their life. It's the time of year to do it. Especially seniors. It's so weird to think about all the people I'll never see again. It's sad. It's even more sad that youth group is over, but that won't be too sad until after War Cry. Oh well, I'm tired of typing now. Off I go...

I love to swim...

2005-06-04T16:25:00.000-04:00

I have been at the pool every day this week except Wed. I got up to go to a meet this morning at 6:30 in the dang morning. Oh that was not fun. The meet was fun though and I might have even gotten third in one or two things. Who knows. Do you know how cold the water can be in early June when it's 8:00 in the morning and raining? Well... cold.

My graduation party is tonight and I hope it goes well and that all of you and lots of other ppl come and have fun. And I hope I can maybe get my digital camera today. That would be bliss. I've eaten a TON recently and I'm so full. I woke up this morning full. thats so sad. And for lunch we all went to Cici's pizza after the meet and ate a whole lot of pizza. the cinnamon rolls were awesome. Signey ate 10. hehe.

I havn't danced in so long. It strange. I was thinking about going to Orlando for 2 weeks to dance b/c I got a scholarship, but room and board for 2 weeks was $1000 and I didn't really want to go and the lady never called me back, so thats not going to happen. Nope, nope, nope. And I'm going to babysit my dance teacher's kids (the modern hippyish one who's really nice) this summer and make some money. Money is always good. I'm gonna go beg mom to come with me to Best Buy now and hopefully get a camera. I'm so excited! anyways... bye, have a good weekend, and goodbye Joanna. Have fun. I wanna go to England!!!!

Do you like to climb?

2005-05-31T13:40:00.000-04:00

Swimming is so wonderful, I love it very much. It makes me feel so happy and cold and wet and chlorinated. Anyways, this past week has been crazy in a quite enjoyable way. Especially starting on Friday. This weekend I had 2 b/day parties, a Japan retreat, War Cry dance practice in Fuquay, the last youth group ever (very sad), church, George's graduation, and Kristen spend the night. Ahhh......
This is my one week anniversary of being off of dance. I don't miss it yet, but I do have a random overwhelming desire to strech every once in awhile.
My current occupation is swim team. Oh yeah! Good old Parkwood Pianhas! We rock the world.
No it's really fun though b/c I been going for about 6 years and the people are all awesome. Well not all, but the majority.

Joanna, I have a little present for you for you're b/day that I never gave to you.

Bud McClearnan has the best abs I've ever seen on a living thing in my life. It's amazing. Signey today said that he looked like an abercrombie model. I havn't paid any attention to any recently, but next time I pass that store I'm gonna see if she's right. hehe.
Have you ever played sharks and minnows? Well, if you havn't you're missing out on the best swim game ever invented. No one at my pool ever gets tired of it.

doo-tee do. currently my life is mundane and there is not much to write about. It's Lauren's b/day today. She's at the beach. I think I want to go on a bike ride. THat would be nice. I also want to make some money. B/c, as always I want to buy things. Things... Oh, and a digital camera. I might actually get one in the near future. YES!!! I'm gonna use graduation mulah and get me a camera. Alyssa, what did you say your camera was? I forgotted. I need to clean out my rock fountain. It has all this chalky stuff built up and all the water evaporated. Hehe and there are still some dried up mother's day carnations in it. Three. Ewwwww... they got kinda moldy.

Do you like to climb things or is it just me? I love climbing things. Like sometimes, when no one else is home I'll just climb a tree and sit up there for awhile. And there is this HUGE mulch pile in our front yard and that is fun to climb up too. If I knew it was safe I'd climb everything. My house, and tall trees and other buildings and random objects. Once we were locked out of our house and I climbed in through the second story window and it was one of the most awesome things ever. What fun. I also like to fall. Or at least I find it fascinating. I heard once that if you fall from a high place and you roll out of your fall you won't get hurt. So I wonder if someone could jump out of the 2 story and sort of collapse into a roll at the bottom and not get hurt. I think it would hurt.
I also like to turn. It is a sensation that you can't get any other way. Like in dance if I do a triple(turn around 3 times on one leg basically) it jus feels so good. And if I don't turn for awhile a start to miss it. It's different from spinning on a tire swing until you're about to throw up although that has it's perks too. Fuller said that if you turn around a certain number of times than you're legally drunk. I forgot the number though. Oh well, I'm off to do whatever...
see ya ppl

I think everyone should have a rich great-aunt...

2005-05-24T23:32:00.000-04:00

Sooo... my 88 yearold great aunt has been at our house for a week now and she's leaving tomorrow morning. She is very interesting. ANd there are some definite perks to having her around. I've eaten out so much recently that I feel perpetually full. we didn't really eat out last week, but this week... yup. I've eaten my weight in food. Or at least pretty close. And good food too. (look at all the o's in that last sentence.)

Today was my last day of dance. It's over. It is finished. It's kind of sad, a little scary, and definitely hasn't sunk in yet. I've spent about five days a week with those girls for the last 4 years and I may never see them again. I don't love them all and I've been hurt by each one, but I do like them and I'll miss them. I got LOADS of flowers today! I mean like my arm wanted to fall off by the time I got to the car. The prettiest flowers I've ever had in my life. The Ruff boys danced in the perf. Christiaan is purty good. Better than most of those boys. I got tons of flowers, a little candy (but I took 2 actually), and the beginnings of a scrapbook and a card from the teachers. IT was like a mini dance christmas. It was my last performance in Meredith probably for the rest of my days. But, I invited the girls in my class to my graduation pary thing at my house so you should all come and then you can see them. I also gave them money begging letters for my Japan trip. I know at least claire's fam will give me some money. I just made the letters today, but if you read my blog and know who I am you're invited. Yes... you. Anyways, on my letters that I printed out I said Saturday June 5th, but it's really Sat June 4th. Hopefully no one pays attention to anything but the Saturday part.

Why in the world is half of Grace church's population born in May??? I mean really. It's a bit much. Oh well. Happy birthday to you all. Especially Jo b/c I havn't said happy b/day yet and hers was today? possibly? or close.
And Kristen, I tried on Anna's wig today. HA! I looked weird. Although Chris looked way stranger! hehe. he looked like a girl.

Saturday is the last youth group for me.... sniff sniff... so sad. It will never be the same after that. wow. All my buddys and my little buddies and the dancing in my little corner and the various diff leaders who I really got to know and like. It's a sentimental time of year. I don't care about school, I care about the ppl. But hey, I'm going to college and little old me, born and raised in Durham will be moving and going by herself where she knows no one and making all new friends and living without parents. Sounds like an adventure.

oh, and if you ever get the chance, get yourself a rich great-aunt...

howdy, howdy, howdy

2005-05-16T17:43:00.000-04:00

Well... I havn't posted in awhile. So here are a few highlights of my past week.
-the car breaking down at Wendy's with Kristen. She's hilarious... she's like "I always wanted to have a car break down." That was actually fun. We walked across the street to the church and Daniel jumped poor old Chester for us.
-Chris had a b/day party Friday. (he turned 11 today) so I got to play with all the little boys. WE went to the baseball field and played Brittish Bulldogs(a stupid game) then How many steps to Germany. Peter Barrow is pretty close to faster than me and he's only like 11. sad. Then after food mom filled some water balloons that we all threw at Chris on the Trampoline but half didn't pop so he threw them back and one totally soaked me. So ppl kept filling up more balloons and I joined the battle. It was fun. Me an Charley an Peter took on Chris and Katherine and the Gwaltneys. Good old fashioned fun. Then we played ghost in the graveyard after cake. I just had some leftover cake like an hour ago and I'm so full. I ate too much.
-So Saturday I figure I drove at least 4 hours. Isn't that impressive. I really don't mind it though which is good. I went to raleigh then chapel hill then fuquay then chapel hill and durham (my house) in between each trip.
-a definite highlight would be mr. Busom dancing outside of Wendy's. yup... very interesting.
-Sunday lunch at the armstrongs with the church kids. some good hang out time. I went to the store with alyssa to get some wine. hehe. that's a first. It just went in the pot and then home with alyssa though.
-rock climbing. Not at all easy, but a laid back enjoyable time.

So those were some highlights to my week. Oh, yesterday the car broke down again. It turns out the car ppl put in a bad alternator so they fixed it for free and chester should be fine now. I hope.

Keep on

Worn with holes
comfy and fit
not quite white, but not quite any other color
run, run, run
I wanna run
keep these shoes forever
just go... and go
tired, but no!
keep on agoing
slow... walk
pant a bit; rest
loiter and meander
oh, look at the flower
such a big, big sky
oup... lets keep on
keep on keeping on
soon you won't be weary
you'll be strong
you'll be content
with your worn out rubber
that's not quite white, but not quite any other color
and the sky'll still be big
and the rain won't be a hinder...
and you can Run

check ya later folks...

graduation

2005-05-09T23:58:00.000-04:00

What a retarded word! Its too long and it just sounds stupid and it's not fun to type. "I'm going to a graduation." It doesn't sound like english.

on another topic... Today was my last day of highschool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES!!! YAY!!! YIPEEE!!!
(those are all 'y' words)
I took my last test/class/schooling of my highschool experience today at Durham Tech. And I think I did quite well too. :)

I also made a bit of money today. Always good. and I cleaned my room for about an hour or more. Oh, how I love clean rooms. I hadn't cleaned it in about a month so it was about time. I now have not much to do besides dance. This week is looking rather full and I have about three options of things to do on saturday, but the future looks bright. I see it... off in the distance. Aw... my eyes. I can't stand the brightness.

I have three mothers day carnations sitting in my rock fountain. they smell good. I went on two bike rides today and I think I bruised my butt bones b/c they hurt. The first time I went the seat was kinda small and quite hard. Oh well.
Yesterday was mothers day and I think it was one of the most full of emotion days I can remember. It was good, sad, hard, and fun. Mostly it was family. Family is not easy, but it's usually good. It really is good to have Keith home. The only drawback is sharing the car. I didn't dance today.... I havn't danced much lately. Only went three times last week. and didn't have rehersal Saturday so I was only there 1 1/2 hours. weird.
Friday was Becca and Donalds wedding. It was pretty. I love weddings. They are weird though b/c you see ppl you used to know. A long, long time ago. I must say that cute klutzy flower girls walking down the aisle with little boy escorts all dressed up is one of the best things I've ever seen. Yes indeedee.

Isn't it weird how you can be so content and then something reminds you of this tear in your heart and you immediately want to cry even though you were fine for like a week before that. Is it bad to forget? How do you know the difference between forgetting and healing?

Wasn't it funny that this weekend there was both a sermon on seeing God as father and seeing God as mother? And does anyone else find it absolutely hilarious every time Will wears his kilt? It cracks me up so bad. It may be MacFarlane plaid, but it sure is funny seeing your pastor in a kilt in 2005.

who am I?

2005-05-04T16:36:00.000-04:00

Hello....
hmmm.... so my life. Yes, mine.
who am I?

well... I am God's. not god's, but God's. I am the beloved of Jesus. I am clean inside. I am creative. Jesus is my best friend, truly, and me and Jesus have some secrets. :)
I'm a warrior. I like to laugh at the devil b/c he's a retard and I know that even though I'm not a very good warrior, I'm the sidekick to the best, so even if it takes awhile, we'll always win. I am faithful. Even if I havn't seen someone in forever I'll still think about them and hope for them.
ooh... and in prophecy's it says I'm a starburst. ;) and I'll prophecy. I even did a little while ago, even though I havn't given it to the kid yet. I love to dance. I love to skip around in my head in feilds and flowers and rain and puddles. I also like the strechy feeling that dancing can be. I am obsessed with nature. God created it to show us his glory and I'm all about seeing some glory. The other day I went on a walk by myself and stopped for flowers and leaves and just to look around. I'm not particularly brave about certain things. I don't like to call on the phone to ppl I don't know. And downstairs right now is this man ringing the doorbell and I'm not going to answer the door. I don't feel the need and I'm home alone.
So I suppose this is all some of who I am.
I think it changes from day to day. At least who I say I am does. Well, it doesn't change, but I would tell you different things from day to day.

Who is God?
what an amazing question. Not straight forward like it seems. To me sometimes, God is just this feeling I get inside when I look at the clouds, sit by a stream, or listen to a good song. But he's so much more. He stretches from here to there and there and farther. He already knows the friends I will have in college and who/if I will marry and what my grade on the test I took last Friday is. He knows much better than me who I am and who my real friends are. One of my favorite things about him is that he is close. He is close to me and shares my experiences so I can talk about them and he understands. It's not like I have to try to explain to him what SERBA is or why I do what I do. He is close.

SERBA

2005-04-26T22:21:00.000-04:00

SERBA here I come!
Tomorrow begins the incessent and unceasing dancing and communing with dancers. Eeeek! Oh well.
My room is full of the stuff I'm gonna bring. I'm probably bringing more to this than I did to romania even though its' only Wed thru sunday instead of 2 weeks. Everyone else will pack the same though so I might as well. Its only in Durham anyways, two years ago it was in VA. For any of you who don't know, SERBA is a dance festival where you stay in a hotel and take 3-4 dance classes a day and go to a performance and a party at night.
I'm going to be sharing a bed with the conservative Christian homeschooler of the company. I'm a conservative Christian Homeschooler too, but with her you can tell. The day she told everyone she was saving her first kiss for her wedding day kinda freaked some ppl out. There's stuff like that that I plan on doing (not that in partucular) but I tend to keep it to myself and not tell the ppl who obviously aren't gonna agree at all.
oh well, we'll see how this works. I'm also rooming with the 2 anorexic girls. They're both really nice, but they are both the skinniest ppl ever. I've seen worse, but only seen from a distance, not lived with.
I'm a little skeptical about this "joyous occasion" because the past two SERBAs were anything but joyful for me. Hopefully this will be good. You can look for an update next week.

One other thing though is that I have my final in ELP on friday and I havn't really studied at all and I don't know how much I'll study there. hehe. and I have my oral in spanish on Monday. I made the poster for that today but I still have to decide what to talk about and memorize it. Well I have a subject, just not 5 min worth of spanish.
Oh well, off to bed with my sick self I am. I went through three toilet paper rolls just by blowing my nose. And I only kept them in my bedroom too. So that's a lot of toilet paper. Mom finally got some tissues today. ;)
I'm actually in a good mood b/c sunday Jerry told us all not to worry and why so today I've been working on it. I didn't worry. Just felt quite sick at times. But I didn't worry.
oh, and I need to come up with a senior quote by thursday. Will I? probably not.
Its only for the homeschool yearbook anyways, I didn't even order one.
g'night.

An Escapade with Chester

2005-04-20T23:14:00.000-04:00

Sooo... story of the day. well, night.
I got home from dance at about 8:50 and was actually going to go to Sips for a little while for their nice little poker night that I've never been to. But I needed gas first. Which was kinda weird b/c we'd just put 15 dollars in Chester Tuesday night. So my mom has this thing about gas stations being unsafe in Durham at night so I brought Katherine along. We got there and I did the little credit card swipe thing and then went to open the gas tank. But i see this yellowish greasy stuff on the car on and behind the gas area. Strange... so I open up the flap thing and lo and behold there is no gas cap. Ack! then I look down and we're leaking. there was already a puddle. small yes, but puddle definitely. So I call mom and tell her Chester lost his gas cap, so she says go ask inside. This is OUR gas station that I go to with Chester. He only likes Deisel and this one has deisel and is right by our house. So I go in and ask the guy behind the counter if they've found any gas caps and he's like... I don't work here. So I asked the other guy behind the counter and he breifly looks and says sorry. So back to Chester and Katherine, complete with matted yellow slippers. I swipe the card again (the previous swipe was cancelled due to lack of action) intending to just fill it up so I could at least drive home and possibly to church in the morning for babysitting. The stupid machine thing starts beeping at me and says go see the cashier. I wasn't about to pay inside with the credit card b/c it wasn't mine, it was moms. So I call mom and am like what should I do? she's like got any cash? just pay with that. So I get my $7 out of my wallet and walk back to the cashier. This is no small walk either b/c deisel is only at the way far out pumps. Pump 11 and 12. So I get in there and pay my 7 dollars and traverse the parking lot back once more. I pick up the nozzle and press the little botton thing and, well... gas starts spewing everywhere. It was quite volitile. The last time I had put the nozzle in the gas tank before the thing said to talk to the cashier, I had pressed the handle in or whatever and it had never released. So I gave half of my car a nice gas bath and nearly scared myself half to death and put the remaining approx half gallon in my car and drove away home. Katherine informed me that she would never come get gas with me again if she could help it and one of my hands was covered in greasy, wet, gas. It still smells a tad even after washing it about five times. So now I have to drive the green van tomorrow. I'm a little skeptical at it's driving capabilities because it is the reason we have borrowed someone else's van and are trying to get a new vehicle.
.......cars are annoying. I decided that after that I would wait to go to Sips until a different day.

2005-04-18T16:10:00.000-04:00

k, today was my spanish interview thingie. Ick, ick, ick, ick!!!
So, we were supposed to talk for 5-10 min in spanish and she gave us 3 topics we might get and we'd pick a piece of paper in the room and that'd be our subject. I got the dang stupid bread your arm one. that was the one I didn't have but 2 min of talking on. Plus, the first thing she does when I get in the room is ask me about my allergies in spanish. Of course I don't know how to say any of that stuff so I was like, uh..... No sé. I wanted to get the car breaking down one b/c I was going to talk about how I got my car stuck in the mud at Catherine's house. I'll give you an example of what I was going to say. I mean, I wrote it out and semi memorized it and all that I get out of it is that I can put it on my blog for all the ppl who are taking french. how sad is that.

Hace dos semanas, mi carro atrapó en el barro. El noche antes de cuando mi carro atrapó, dormí en la casa de mi amiga, Catherine. Yo conducía de la casa de mi amiga cuando de repente el carro fue a la derecha de la calle y se detenó. Pisé el acelerador, pero no fue. Miré al carro y una llanta era en mucho barro.
Mi amiga Joanna era en el carro también. Ella pisó el acelerador y yo empujé pero el carro no movió. Nosotros estabamos en una calle pequeña cerca de la casa de Catherine. Llovía, y era un bosque y estabamos en el campo.
Caminamos a la casa de Catherine y dijimos a las hermanas de Catherine a despertaban sus padres. Sus padres y Joanna y yo estabamos vueltos al carro cuando el papá cavó el barro. Arranqué el carro y pisé el acelerador. El coche no fue. Los padres de Catherine empujaron y pisé el acelerador una vez más. El coche fue! Joanna no empujaba, ella solomente miró. Estaba aceite negro en la calle porque del carro, pero el carro estaba muy bien. “Muchas gracias,“ dijimos. Joanna entró el carro, nos abrochamos los cinturónes, y conducí a la casa de Joanna. Entonces fui a casa.

Isn't it beautiful? At least you'll be able to read the names and pretend you can understand.
Today instead of going to dance I'm gonna babysit for these ppl who usually pay $10 per hour. I like money and i'm in debt 162 dollors for War Cry.
Yesterday on the way home from the Japan meeting I was feeling half dead so I stopped at a playground in parkwood and swung by myself for a little bit. Then I went home and felt horrible and cried and wrote out things I missed from my childhood and things that only I remember. then I felt halfway better.

Its spring. dont' you just want to be outside all day? I do even though I'm dang allergic (and can't say it in spanish). I have to see some ppl this week. Else I'll go insane. So if you want to see me call. and I don't even mind traveling great distances. Just not outrageous distances. oh well. Adios.

bedtime prophecy

2005-04-17T23:33:00.000-04:00

I really need to go to bed, but I was reading an old prophecy and I found this...

God says get ready. Just get ready. There’s gonna be a time that I’m gonna stir your soul. I’m gonna stir your spirit. There’s gonna be a fire that really just can’t be quenched. You have heard people talk about revivals. You’ve read about revivals, you have heard of sovereign moves of the spirit of God amongst young people. You may have even seen some videos on it. But God says I’m gonna place you at the place where you’re gonna experience it with all of the young people. You’re gonna be part of it. You’re gonna be able to speak of it. And you’re gonna be able to take some of that fire to other places. God says, you’re gonna be part of something that will be unique, and very powerful says the Lord.

Yay. I like that. g'night.

I'm being overrun by 7th graders

2005-04-15T21:10:00.000-04:00

It's an invasion. I have the entire 7th grade girls life group at my house. Someone said 13 ppl. I just know there's a lot of em. Good food though. Well, bad food that tastes good. My room is clean. That's amazing. I'm glad too b/c Katherine showed them my room before I got home. I don't really mind, but it's good it was clean or I sure would have minded. I can't breathe. My nose is completely stopped up. Allergies are from the devil. I hate them.
Marissa at dance had a big blister that was like gushing blood today. Oh, and our performance tomorrow. We're last. So I have to stay there forever and miss the entire food fight. Sigh.
I'm gonna go back down stairs now, but I just wanted to let the world know that if you're looking for a 7th or 8th grade girl, come to my house. :)

oh, children...

2005-04-14T13:55:00.000-04:00

I am TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate the dang pollen. who needs pine trees anyways? b/c of allergies I havn't slept well in over a week and if anyone knows me, I need to sleep. Long and wonderfully.

Oh well... sooo, story of the day. Short story of the day. I was sitting outside watching young children play on the playground pretending to be animals such as Tigers, elephants, gnats, and spiderman. Kendrick jr walks out and looks at me and is like are you getting paid? I was like yeah. I thought he was gonna say somthing like why are you getting paid to sit on a bench or you aren't doing anything, or you're being lazy for being paid. Something along those lines. (thats what Daniel Snoddy told me.) But Kendrick comes out with, "Well they'd have to pay me thats for sure" or something along those lines. I thought it was Hilarious. A 10ish yearold (dunno how old he is) saying they'd have to pay him to watch kids play on a playground. HA!
I don't know if it's funny to you, but my brain is tired so it finds random things funny or not so.

Ok, second short and possibly boring story of the day. The sole of my shoe ripped! That's so sad. Moriah, this slightly annoying and quite full of herself girl in the class was like, can you do a split? do it. I said no, but she slowely convinced me and in the process of getting to the floor i.e. trying to slide my sneakers along the ground, one of them ripped a little. The first thing I did when I got home was to repair the damage with duct tape. Hopefully it will be fine.
Jo, I think your sister has my money from today that Kendrick justly noticed I deserved. Well anyways, i don't have it and Aska doesn't have it, so I hope Kristi has it.

Children, sad news. I have a dang stupid retarded performance this saturday and I want to throw food at my friends. Ack! It's at East though so I'll be near by. It starts at 8 but I'm only doing one dance. I don't know what order it's in. If I'm near the end I can probalby come to the first 1/2 hour of yg so long as I don't get dirty and if I dance near the beginning I can come to about the last bit of it. Oh well.
Oh, and this is quite sad and amazingly not even dance related. This sunday is Apple Chill, but this sunday is also a stupid Japan meeting. well the meetings are usually quite entertaining, but I want to go to apple chill with the folks. Sniff. We'll see what happens.

All I want to do is sleep. long and ... well, long.

birthdays and fairy bushes

2005-04-10T22:36:00.000-04:00

it's my daddy's birthday. And he had hisself a party. And it was actually fun and lots of ppl came. Even this one family that I had truly never seen before in my life. Weird. There were two guys who we've known forever. They go to Christian Assembly and we havn't been there since I was three. Kinda scary. So Mr. Carr came with his four girls in tow so Kristen and I walked about and sat in the shade of her van. I ate lots of junk food that made me realatively sick and also threw the frisbee with Erika Ladd and astounded her with my age and driving capabilites.

Oh... and I'm going to War Cry!!! it's official. I turned in my money and there's no turning back. I'm excited. I couldn't go the past two years so I missed everyones bad war crys. So this year has to be good. I'm either gonna room with Kristen, or if she isn't going with Rachel Mangum. When I'm there I want to hang out with all sorts of ppl. With Claire from OFY and my whirlwinds and my group and lauren and Alexandra and new people and yeah... It better be good. I might be in both dances. hehe. that might be fun.

ok, so ya know how Lauren is my little buddy at youth group? well she is. Anyways, I was thinking about it today and I think that she has probably been to my house possibly more than any of my friends ever have. Maybe Caitlyn White has been over more b/c I've known her litteraly all my life, but I never see her any more. I remember Lauren's fourth birthday party at Ken's beach house. I remember when she was I suppose three and she would freak out when her mom wasn't in the room. she'd fidget with her fingers and freak out. Ha! I think it's really quite interesting.

I'm just sitting here. sitting, and my heart must be beating and all, but I feel it in my ankles. It's not quite a steady beat and it feels rather odd. Yesterday I landed on the outside of one of my feet and totally feel on the ground. It was kind of scary. Didn't really hurt though. throb... throb... my ankles... they're still beating.
why beating? why not pulsing, or pushing, or bopping?

I got my first sunburn of 2005 today. Not bad or anything. I plan on getting much more. Last summer I did not get even the slightest bit tan at all on my body. No tan lines or anything. THis summer the sun and I will become friends. At least enough for me to get one good burn and be done with it. I'm not obsessed with getting tan like some ppl I know, but they have rubbed off on my enough that I would enjoy being tan if that were possible. at present I'm resigned to my fate.

Mess is surrounding me right now. My room is a mess, my house is a mess, and my family is pretty much a mess. goodness. Now is a time that I am oh so thankful for dance. It means leaving my house five days a week, driving all by myself and going somewhere no one else in my family goes. None of my friends are there, but that's ok. Those girls are my friends, they just aren't my best ones. On Saturday the power went out. That was fun. We just sat around for about an hour and I talked to Kristen on the phone for awhile.

Last week on the way home from dance there were these pink bushes that were so pretty. So I'd watch them instead of the road and hope there were no cars. One the bushes were all pink and just two days later all of the petals were gone.

fairy growths
pink petals
delicate as raindrops
eachone individual
all join together
to make something breathtaking
you glance, then gaze
trying to inhale the beauty
the clean, fresh life
picturesque but powerful
oh what I would do
to envelope that picture
bring it into myself
to be able to gaze forever
just bushes on a hillside
but capped with tiny miracles
baby blossoms open
up to the wide blue sky
the bird chirps it's two notes
over and over again
a roar and a plane soars by
oblivious...
to the tiny miracles perched on that hill
passed every day by thousands
how many see?
seven, six, three
pass once more and look again
half the petals fallen
pass again and look once more
the pink has turned to green
so many miracles in this life
life... full of living
open your eyes, don't just pass
inhale the beaty into your soul
so when your souls in a cloud
bring it out to breathe once more

Olga the Great

2005-04-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

Guess who taught my class today at dance? This lady from SAB (school of american ballet) named Olga somthing or other. Lets just say she looks like an Olga. Apparently she had taught Ms. VanDorsten when MVD was in highschool. That is kind of scary b/c VanDorsten has grey hair and looks at least 50. So old Olga walks into class with these ugly blue sunglasses and tights, a leo and skirt, but she is a dancer no longer and therefore does not even resemble the shape she had to have once had. Kind of a scary sight. Plus she talks in a Russian accent and can be hard to understand. My philosophy is just nod and smile, smile and nod. I did that a few times today actually.

So its that time of year again. Yup, time for allergies once again. The time of year I want to scratch my eyes to oblivion and feel like I can't breathe b/c my nose is closed and wish to high heaven that a body could scratch the inside of their throat with something more effective than their tongue. Why did Eve have to bite into that apple? b/c of her I have a very unfun period of spring coming up. Although it is just about the most beautiful weather that ever could exist.

Ok, folks... a little prayer request. My little bro, Christoff has the worst poison ivy ever on his arm. He hasn't slept well the past few nights. Sunday night he only slept one hour. And last night I woke up at 4:30 to the sound of him crying/screaming downstairs. The other day we were eating pizza and his arm was dripping the same color liquid as the pizza grease through a ton of bandages. He has a break down several times a day and him and mom are not doing to good.

I want to shoot my eyeballs out. I HATE allergies. Oh well.
Total change of subject. I've been having really good prayer times lately. Yay. always helpful. I'm reading Come to Papa and it's an awesome book. Oh yeah.
So today I saw Callie Barrow for the first time this semester at Durham Tech's Spring whatever where there is free food and free games and stuff. It turns out the she has had her first boyfriend and been dumped already. HA!!!!! that is so hilarious. I never would have imagined it. hehehe. You have to know who I'm talking about.

So, last week when I was internetless I came up with this brilliant idea to entertain (and possibly make a fool of) myself. I decided to write a mock support letter and send it to everyone on my team. I had an amazing amount of fun with this little endeavor. It was amazing. Anyways, one member of my illustrious Japan team (who will remain unnamed) called me on Tuesday. they were like, ummm... I got your letter and uh, I thought you were going to Japan with us, but it says that your going to Uraguay or somewhere. So I was just wondering... HA!!! they believed my letter. I tried to make if fake and I only sent it to ppl on my team so I wouldn't confuse ppl. That was funny. No offense dear person who I am speaking of, but it totally made my day yesterday and I couldn't think of anything else to write on my blog.

Jo dear, I really want to know why you're grounded. I might try to call you sometime. Or you could make me feel special and call me. :)

I'm still eating craisens. isn't that sad? I brought the whole bag thing into my room and so I'll probalby eat the entire thing.
I got a new pair of jeans yesterday! Yay. They were only 12 dollars and mom paid for them. My favorite pair of jeans got a hole last week or so. sad. Did you know I like dance? I didnt' know until recently. I go through phases. Ah well. off to nowhere I go...

...

CRAISINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-04T17:27:00.000-04:00

I love CRAISINS!!!!!
Mmmmm... tasty. I have had the laziest day ever! and I LOVE it! I slept last night. at least 10 hours and I wanted to keep going for another 10 let me tell you. This weekend between 3:30 Friday and 6 on sunday I was home less than 2 and a half hours. Pretty crazy. I just finished reading the most creative ppl in the worlds xanga sites and I'm feeling sadly unable to reach their extraordinary hights.
Did you know my little 10 year old brother only slept for one hour last night? and as a result my poor mother only slept about 3.

I just remembered to call dance. I'm so proud of myself. you have to call if you aren't coming to class and I called in 4 minutes before class. That was close. Instead of dancing I will sit right here and listen to rock music and type whatever I jolly well please. peas. keys. tease. zzz's.

This is a rough outline of my weekend. Friday go to dance in Raleighfrom 4:15-9 then drive for forever and ever to Catherine's house and get lost on the way. hang out; sleep; wake up; drive out half of the driveway and get stuck from about 8:30-9 in the dang early raining muddy morning. Drop Jo off home, go to my house, sleep for 1/2 hour. Drive to dance in Raleigh, drive to BTI center, have performance til 9. Which went pretty good. Better sunday than saturday. it was fun and Ms. Yount (not of the Friday school variety) gave us all lots of food and I mean LOTS of food. Then I drove strait to chapel hill(do not pass Go do not collect $200) for a little hang out time at youth group where there was basically only Rachel and Catherine then I spent the night with my little sis at Steph and Angelique's apartment where I watched the end of the game. Probably the most basketball I've ever watched. It was enjoyable enough that I'm contemplating watching the game tonight even if its just by my lonesome. we ate homemade cheesecake. Then talked and slept. went to church in the morning. left about 10 minutes into the waiting is good sermon. Debated long and ####### the way to dance whether to get fast food with my money or stop by home for free food and end up late. I opted for the free food. Then went to dance, then went to BTI center, then performed. Those kids really are fun. Annoying at times, but quite enjoyable. I learned about Mariss' first kiss and Juli's almost first kiss. She is very aware of the fact that she's 16 in public highschool and has never been kissed. See, I don't care about the lack of kissing, but, being that she's just barely Catholic, she doesn't have very high morals. Whatever... So then after the performance I went home and decided I was about dead. I didn't want to do anything. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. Then I drove Katherine to Daddy. Chris has some infection on his arm (why he only slept one hour last night) so he was crying and almost screaming so he didn't decide to come. Poor guy.

Cranberries and Raisens plus sugar. How do they make craisens? do they mash cranberries and grapes and dry them? or have they bred a new type of plant? the half grape half cranberry and dry that? Never mind. Craisens have nothing to do with raisens. They're just cranberrys and sugar.
I'm washing my sheet today. Is that not the most amazing thing? I think that in the year and a half of my owning these sheets I have only washed them umm.... twice? I take moring showers though so it doesn't really matter. The olden day ppl never even bathed so I'm doing good. Evolution. Ha!
Wow! I know this song. well, I've heard it before. I'm listening to the radio and as you probably know I am clueless (entirely) about music.

The other day i saw a Hawk in my front yard. It landed on one of our trees and I was outside and it was really pretty. Things like that are so freaking cool. If you want some inspiring speech about how cool nature is you can go visit Ben's blog. I totally agree with him.

Yum...... craisins.

Blessed goodness

2005-03-31T18:33:00.000-05:00

Ahhh... my computer works. Finally. God bless America!!!
I had the bright idea to check all of the router plug things in mom's closet. And wonder of wonders there was this nice little cord just laying there on the ground. All forlorn like. And I took it upon myself to connect that plug and place him where he belonged. And mom just told me the dryer guy fixed the dryer today while I was gone. Blessed goodness.
I must apologize to anyone who actually does read my blog on occasion for my lack of posting in such awhile. The stupid computer. And I even tried posting at dance and it didn't work. Dunno why. I don't know why bloggie had to die right after I had posted my crap post. I wanted to post happy thoughts but no... I couldn't.

Guess what? I had a good week. Sunday through the present now. And it is wonderous. I love ppl being on spring break so that I can see them at least once during the week. Even though Raleigh and Durham/chapel H should get together on the whole spring break thing so that the coincide.

Have you ever seen a mass grave of those orange cone things? It gives me joy every time I pass. It's not the cone ones though, its cylindrical ones that are bigger. And they're all just piled in a huge heap by my exit off of the Durham Freeway. It really is a glorious sight.
My hands smell like coffee. I had my 2 day of work today. At Rana Capelli. I'm getting a tad better.

Yesterday Jo wanted to take a visit to Duke Gardens. Last night I got the craving for a picnic. Well maybe this morning. Anyways, I think sometime, the children should take a picnic visit to those illustrious gardens of Duke.

Ok, Tuesday I had the most fun ever! I was all by myself at home and got this gorious idea to do in lew of not having working internet. So... if anyone of my Japan buddies gets an odd letter, just laugh. :)

All three of you who actually read my blog on occasion and any others that just happen upon it should come see me dance this weekend. We're performing Saturday at 7 (which no one I know is going to be at) and Sunday at 2 at the BTI center in the Fletcher auditorium. There is potential for several excess dances b/c we're performing with the St Mary's school. But it's free and I have the best part I ever have had. A solo and everything. pretty exciting. Just so long as I don't fall over or blank out or anything. But what ever. You should come. Yes... You!

My back is so stinkin sore. It just hurts. Guess why? yup you're right. Marissa got her braces off yesterday. It was truly the funniest thing ever. The entire four hours she was there she was grinning and staring in the mirror. I've never seen anyone look at their teeth nearly that much. She even took several pictures of herself with her camera phone. One close up of just her teeth. It was hilarious. She's one of those ppl who you can always tell what they're feeling b/c its so obvious that you'd have to be blind and deaf not to notice. Well I don't think I'd ever seen her so happy and it was funny. Plus this random guy was watching class b/c he might take classes at RSB next year while he goes to Duke and he had no clue that she had just gotten her braces off.

oh but I can't wait til my letters get to ppl. I really wonder what they'll do. Really. hehe.
Marvelous breakthough! I can go to Catherine's tomorrow night. hehehehhehe. So I'll spend the night and get there super late and everything. Must sleep though. Otherwise I will fall over in my lovely little dance.

I love my life. isn't that strange. sometimes I hate it. but right now I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Crap

2005-03-24T17:22:00.000-05:00

How are you right now?
Me... I feel like crap.

weary wonderings
why?
oh my Jesus why?
whats the point?
God!
my life is so unpredictable
one day its happy happy, joy-joy
the next... well kinda like today
Well, this morning was fine
just fine
even the afternoon was fine
just fine
I feel like I'm being squeezed on all sides
but I don't know why
or how to get out
And mom told me today that i'm not alone
that that is a lie
but I still believe it
crap!
and that was not a poem so no one think it was.

tear
slipping, sliding
drop
there is so much inside
there was just no room
tears
crying out from the inside
creating space
less pressure
maybe
maybe not
life is short?
do some people have blessed lives
I do
but only spiritually blessed
rich
all emotions experienced fully
at least
it's not mundane
shallow and unsatisfying
could you imagine...
living without God?
I truly can't imagine.
its hard enough as it is
and you don't know if you should ask God to bless your unsaved friends b/c if they're blessed they might not cry out. not become so desperate that they look for help. Ok, this started out rather poemish, but no longer. poemish no longer.
Tonight after Katherine's Holland meeting we are going to Virginia to visit the Ritches. We'll come back Saturday. So i can still come to church to see my ppl. good thing.
Ya know what? I was supposed to mail my begging letters today. Did I? not even close. I still need stamps. I don't care though. I'm so stressed and confused that I'm just not going to til Monday. If we go in debt to the airline company because of me... oh well. dont' really care. Ha! No, dont' worry I'll send the stupid things. But I think I'll make my own less special cards than Fullers, b/c my comp is stupid and it won't work with them.
I'm going now. to find a book to read in the car. I'll probably just sleep though.
Please pray for me and my family right now. We're not having an easy go of it.

mmmm.... rock climbing ahhhh......

2005-03-22T22:08:00.000-05:00

Have you ever walked into a room full of inanimate objects, and been quite convinced that one of them was situated in such a way as to deliberately give you a start?
Well our dryer just decided it needed a break on saturday so my beautiful room is full of wet laundry. In fact I removed a shirt from my chair in order to sit down and some of the damp has invaded my trousers. Anyways, my clothes were apparently quite tired of my room (being that they stay here almost 100% of the time) and they, partucularly a pair of blue capris, decided to become as animate as they could for the duration of my walking into my room and turning on the light. They were rather suprisingly good at it too.

My homework today for Spanish was to learn all of the spanish Fuller could ever want to know. All about cars. Pisas el acelerador (Step on the gas), se abrocha el cinturón (buckle up), and my all time favorite: atropella el perro (run over the dog). Another good one is: choca con el arbol (crash into the tree). The wonders of languages.

Yesterday I went rock climbing with Erin Gubitz and Mandy and Catherine person. It was fun. I am now a belayer. whoopee. By the time I got home my hands were so tired i could barely wash them. Even now balling them into loose fists reminds me of trying to cling on to small pieces of "rock" screwed onto a wall. It was a totally different world. There were ppl there, and you could tell they came all the time. Like my world is dance, their world was climbing. And today we went into a bike shop and this guy was there (he was cute) and you could tell that his world was the world of bikes. It's amazing how many dang worlds there are. And you mostly aren't even aware of the ones that you aren't a part of.

mischeif! hahahaha. what you don't know can't hurt you. (maybe) but it may suprise you, shock you, confuse you, or block your reasoning facilities. One never knows. Well I guess One always knows, but Two never knows.
Did you know it really stinks to have your dryer broken? oh and our DVD player broke sunday so the dvd watching arena is guess where. My bedroom! with all of the half-animate clothing. And Chester is in the shop for breaks, so I can't drive myself to class tomorrow. Instead of waking up at 9:30 b/c my class starts at 11:00, I have to leave the house at 10 til 9. Oh the agony. Oh well, if I was actually in school I would think that was sleeping in. Or even if my mom decided to be a homeschool nazi mom.

people amaze me. for many reasons, but the current one is how they can suprise you with how much they care. About the amazingly selfless ideas they can come up with and even carry out on occasion. Especially when the person usually does such dumb stuff and seems so much more self aware than any other ppl aware.

Today I emailed Maria from Romania back. It's so sad. It bites when you make really good friends with someone and then fly away and you know you'll probably never ever see them again.

My life has been really weird since Saturday. This week I have no dance so I'm at home a lot, but I still have more than enough to do. I'm busy, but not at the same time. Ick! Plus this weekend my life kind of changed. oh well. I'll sort it through eventually.

Jesus...
what a good word, name. can mean so much. does mean so much.
Jesus could I put my hope in you? I know you want me to, but am I able? The way I am... so hard. I try to trust you. It seems like it should be easier to trust myself or my family. Well, it is easier, but then life happens. and it's harder to trust in general. Not the kind of trust where you believe the other person. that trust is easy. it's easy to believe words. to know they must be true. It's a whole other thing to actually trust that your life is in God's hands and that you don't have to take it back from him every once in awhile just to check in on it's up-keep. I mean God is invisible and your life is sort of invisible and if you can't see it you at least want to tap it sometimes to make sure its there. You know it has to be. It's obvious. but you don't entirely trust. It's not like a trust fall. you fall over and this person swears to catch you and you feel like your falling, but you know they'll catch you, and if they don't you'll bump your head and then bump their head as well. It's like you have no idea what your life will become or what to do even just tomorrow. It might snow, your dog might die, you might find 20 dollors. But then there are things that you are responsible for. But you still should trust God. But you have to do them b/c God isn't going to physically mail out letters begging for money for Japan or ask your teacher where you should dance this summer, or apply for a job or any of that. But you still should trust God about it. I don't quite get it.
Oh well... I believe God is in charge and should have good plans for my life and somehow he'll work out the details and everything. Jesus, give me peace. And assurance would be nice too.

storm

2005-03-20T22:33:00.000-05:00

peace in the midst of a whirlwind
is this the eye,
the calm before the storm?
should I wait for the winds to pick up once more
or are they dying down
blown so hard for so long

I fell off a cliff yesterday
but the drop wasn't as far as I thought
is gravity failing?

but outside is all the same
beautiful day
beautiful trees
bird noises and breezes

maybe this is the calm after the storm
I hope
oh how I hope
I don't know if I could handle
another storm
ripping, tearing, rushing through
through my heart, my life, my world
turned upside down?
downside up?
I'm turned around
confused

life
so predictable
keeps going, time's ticking
but then,
what now?
it jumps out at you
your heart stops short
draws back like it touched an iron

and Pa.
sittin' up above
watchin' as one more thread
is woven into his tapestry
life

the brightest threads come from storms
bright purples, blues and oranges
rich colors
colors that feed you through your eyes
they came
because he left
but didn't leave entirely
not my heart
not even my life

yes, the storm's not through yet
winding down
still with power
power to teach, to freak, and to leave
leave colors
that the tapestry maker can weave
weave into his masterful design

who knows
your purple, my blue and his orange
all intertwined to form something
somthing so breathtaking
awe inspiring
healing even

peace
why does it seem so fleeting
so hard to grasp
yet Almighty swore we could have it
yet it slips
slides away easily
stays for awhile
visits
please move in
live here
there's a place for you

oh prince of peace
what a glorious name
wonderous
peace won't slip
won't slide in his hands
comes when called
and responds eagerly
eager to aid and asist
asist the subjects of that prince
Prince of Peace

calm this storm

goodbye

2005-03-18T15:06:00.000-05:00

Everyone in the world is leaving me this weekend. they are going on the Spring retreat. Me? I'm going to the BTI center and sitting backstage and probably reading my book. Why? b/c Ms. LeGere convinced me it would be a good experience and I convinced myself that I'd probably perform and I'd get to know the girls better instead of just decide they're totally and utterly lost and not too much fun. Yet, all is not lost. I'm not depressed over this turn of events like I could be. I get to go to class today and a guest teacher is teaching and that should be some definite good.
doo-te-doo.

smells so good. The delightful wafting of meat cooking. Why is food so good? it tastes good, smells good, looks good depending on what it is, and it is good for you. Not many things are like that. Well I guess water tastes good if you're thirsty, feels good if your hot, sounds good if it's a river, smells good after rain, looks beautiful in clouds and is of course so good for you that if you don't like it you're sort of dead.

It's so hard for me to know who I am. I hear different things from different ppl and I sense some things I wish I didn't. I know I am God's, and that he loves me more than I can imagine, but I don't generally act on that knowledge. My self talk is not exactly God talking. I suppose thats what generally happens. Well, I know I'm loved and secure because God made me and I really must go now. Hopefully that guest teacher person at dance is good.

blog sweet blog

2005-03-16T23:04:00.000-05:00

Hello folks, the Holloway computer has acted up once more and prevented me from blogging. And I wanted so badly to yesterday. sooo....
Yesterday morning I drove so much that I got a slight sunburn on half of my face. I drove more than 2 hours. in the mornin time I went over to my buddy Kristen's house. All the way out in Haw River. We went and visited this coolio gravesite in the middle of a field on top of a hill by her house. There were ppl who came over from England and Ireland around 1750. The Thomsons I think. A few were killed in the Civil war. Crazy. Then we drove to Burlington and went in two shops. Then I went home and ate. I always eat when I come home. I don't know why. Then I went to the BTI center in downtown Raleigh. I definitely got lost and had no idea where to go and was more than totally confused. I parked in the front of the building and walked all the way around that humongous building before I figured out how to get inside. then I asked this security guard person where I should go and he told me somewhere, but it was wrong. then I finally figured out where all the people were and how to get to them. good thing I didn't have to dance b/c I was quite late. Being that I didn't have to dance though, it didn't matter that I was late. so tuesday, the girls weren't nice and I have decided that they are all selfish and that I had so much grief over them the past 3 years b/c they don't care about me. Or thats how they act most of the time. But then every once in awhile they'll be nice and it just throws me off a little. So I got home earlier than normal and went out with mom and Katherine to Curves and then to southpoint. We had this coupon for the smoothie place outside the mall, but the guy was having so much trouble figuring out the coupon that he gave us the two smoothies for free. Always good. Some major major brain freeze though. My brain is feeling odd just thinking about it. So today I went to class. I think I am getting the best grades in the class. Seriously. And I'm still in highschool. The midterm was so bad that she curved it so my 95 went to a 101.5 I was happy. I don't show ppl my grades though b/c they're like I got a 72 after the curve what did you get? I just say I'm not telling but I did better than I thought. I didn't even do that good on the test. she graded leniently. like this one thing was definitely wrong, but it had to do with the same subject and she counted it right. Ha!
Then I drove to the BTI center again. Today was better. I parked in the right place although it was muddy and raining. Then after I watched the show once, we went to dinner in Claire's car. Eugine came. I don't know how to spell that name. He is a thousand times better than the RSB girls. I feel so much more comfortable with him or anyone else basically than with the girls I see every day. That is incredibly sad. But I'm a senior and then I'll go somewhere else and start over with new dancer girls who are mostly christian and stuff. The one thing I've gotten from this Coppelia experience is that I now know I want to be a professional dancer and not just a teacher or some such thing. The cuss a lot though. Oh well, I suppose most normal ppl do.
I always feel inferior around them though b/c they always dress nice and always look cute and buy all this name brand stuff. Like Claire got a Juicy jacket today(don't ask me what that means) and she said "I know the tag is ripped, but it was only $30 so I couldn't pass it up." She also said that about some $70 name brand jeans awhile ago. They are totally insane. But they are all so unhappy. Marissa hates dance and is only doing it b/c it looks good on a college transcript. That is about as retarded as it gets. Ok, I have to say that the guys look totally different in rehersal than in the performance. Guys with tights, makeup, and gelled hair is a rather disturbing sight.
Oh well, thats life.
I was supposed to drive this girl, Emily, to the theatre from her school tomorrow, but she never gave me directions and I don't even remember which school she goes to. I guess she's gonna be stuck at school a little longer than she hoped for. I think I'm going to skip the performance tomorrow and go to the Japan meeting. Marissa is skipping it too so thats good. No one should break their ankle or anything so that should be fine.
Yup folks this is a taste of my world. When I called this blog my own little world I meant it. It includes my dance life, my church life, and a little of my home life and school life. Life is so vast. I could write all day long and not tell you about one day. But other times there is absolutely nothing to say.
Anyways, this post is kinda long, but I missed writing about who cares what since, oh, two days ago.
g'night

only got 10 min

2005-03-14T16:50:00.000-05:00

I havn't posted in days. so sad. brings grief to my heart. This weekend was fun and I got to see ppl thursday thru sunday as opposed to the usual just sat and sunday. Mighty fine.
Been dancing everyday. ick. I was asked to be an understudy for Carolina ballet and accepted. blah. why? dunno. I felt much pressure, real or imagined. But folks, I'm not performing and may miss most or all of the Japan meeting thursday. if that ends up to be true Jeremy's gonna skin me alive. I aluded to the possiblity this weekend and he wasn't particularly fond of it. eeek!
Half of my neck is cricked. if I turn it to the right it hurts. Today was such a busy day. Busy with lots of little details that I didn't deem important this weekend. like ordering $160 worth of ballet shoes. those things are freaking expensive.
I did a rough draft of my Japan letter. Yes! I am the coolest. I was quite proud of myself.
ok guys, next week is my spring break from dance so if anyone is doing something give me a call b/c I'm probably going to be sitting bored at home. Fridays are usually my busiest day of the week, but good friday I have NOTHING to do. It's truly amazing. No babysitting in the morning, no friday school, no dance, no nothing.
k, I must be off to dance.
ta-ta

wishy-washy thru me

2005-03-11T23:40:00.000-05:00

That was the title of the poem that I made today. The word "was" is key in that sentence b/c my beautiful poem was mercilessly destroyed by the ploys of my evil computer. grr... I wanted to burn it up. or down. or just burn it. (the comp not the poem).
So.... my sunday plans were ruined today and it very nearly ruined the rest of today too. At carolina ballet I look at the rehersal schedule for today and see that it's til 6:30ish. then Marissa or Ashley or someone points out that that happens to be sunday not today. eeeek! I have to be at CB from 12:30-6ish. I was very unpleased. as Alyssa would say there was a big void where any pleasure I might have had from that might be. (maybe she wouldn't say that, but she said something rather similar tonight.) That totally ruined my plans of going to lunch with all the cool ppl who go to lunch on sundays. alas. Also I was supposed to drive Chris to his friends house after church b/c mom is at the beach so now he has to find a ride or something. Also, the cast list got up and I'm not on it at all, which would be ok to just be an understudy except all of the ppl in my class who are in Copelia are on the cast list so I will probably end up talking to someone in charge about it to see if I really am not performing. that would totally stink b/c all my friends are performing and I would just have wasted a ton of my time. even now I just want to hurt something. so my day was nearly ruined and I arrived home in a foul mood and expressed greif, anguish and frustration in a beautiful poem that made me feel all better but when I tried to post it it got deleted and the foul mood decended once more. but then I called Jo and leslie and Fuller and fuller actually answered his phone and I figured out that all of the peeps were at Sips. I was like, "I'm going." but I didn't know how. so I knew it was near my aunts house so I figured out her exit off of the durham freeway in mapquest and then relied on my subconsious, ancient memories of going to Sign of the Fish or whatever christian bookstore used to be there. That was so long ago that I played back in the little kiddie section in the corner where they had the TV and pillows and ripped up books and stuff. That was back in the day that for mothers day mom would drive us over there and we'd all pick something out for her and give it to dad and he'd pay for it and we'd wrap it at home and give it to her for mothers day. The joys of growing up in a one driver household. we did that at the dollar store for christmases. Ha! and Chris ended up with like 3 of the same coloring books one year b/c we all got him practically the same thing. Ah... good times.
So I made it to sips and got there alive and well and all and hung out with cool ppl and enjoyed myself and got a tour of the torture kitchen with the crazy nasty floor. fun, fun. Then I went home and Chris and I went to Coldstone and split an ice cream and now I'm so filled with junk that I feel a little sick. coffee and cold spring rolls and ice cream all churning around down there. gross. maybe that's whats on the floor in the torture kitchen. who knows. Keith is going back to App on sunday. that's kinda sad b/c we barely ever talk while he's there and we're pretty close when he's home. hey, did you know that USA spelled backwords is ASU? pretty cool huh. I wouldn't think that ASU is the most patriotic school, but it is just the backwords spelling after all.
Alas, today has become tomorrow and I really must retire. I'll tell you more about my inner workings and possibly another poem at another time.

2005-03-09T22:41:00.000-05:00

good day. yay. at least good end to my day. the beginning part was so boring I wanted to go crazy. I had nothing to do. at all. I went on a walk with Keith though and that was good. kept me sane. so I went to Carolina Ballet today in a rather bad mood, but then I started singing myself a song with no words and it perked me up.

Ok, Carolina Ballet. So the ppl were either friendlier or I didn't care so thats good. And I actually got to do it once. Eeek. I did really bad and it's kinda embarrasing to mess up dancing with a lot of professional dancers. especially the stuff with the guys. We don't dance together much, but theres this one lift and stuff. I definitely got in ppls ways and stuff, but it was my first time not marking it on the side. It's really fun to dance with guys or even just to watch the guys dance. I see girls dancing practically every day of my life, but some guys can really dance. like jumping in the air, turning twice and landing on the knee or turn, jump, split, other split in the air and then doing five turns. fun to watch. I have decided dancers are one of the most interesting groups of ppl ever. not good interesting or bad interesting. just intriuging (I have no clue how to sp that). there are about 20-30 ppl who are all about 18-30 years old. mostly on the younger side. Who wear sweats to work everyday where they do cool stuff in a big room with windows. They are all the weird group artists are and there are so many skinney ones. Especially Tanner. she reminds me of a bug shes so skinney. she's lively though. oh, and most of the dancers are foreign too. I would say over 2 thirds of them have a foreign accent and weren't born in the US. it's totally crazy. it's boring sometimes too b/c there is a whole lot of sitting around time.
so... the rest of my day, I drove over to RSB and had the first class since saturday. (we go to carolina ballet, but we dont really dance there, we just stay on the sides and learn this one dance) I really enjoyed it. It was nice to have a break from endless classes, then be inspired by professionals, then have an hour long class. pretty good. Then one of the teachers tearfully told us that she wouldn't be coming back next year. Doesn't affect me at all, but almost everyone was crying or about to cry. I wasn't about to cry and didn't even consider it an option til I noticed all of the red faces around. I didn't cry at Finding Neverland either. whatever. I cry enough. So then we had rehersal for Tylers piece. I really like that dance. you have to actually move and move in ways that you don't usually. so then I came home and on the way home I was in the best mood ever. I mean ever. I spun around in the street before coming inside thats what kind of a mood I'm in. i have had the strangest time recently. I'll go from utterly bored to happy to aching inside to giddy to tearful. weird.
I found out today, reading Jeremy's email, that for the Japan trip we can't ask for money from ppl at church. I don't know who else to ask money from. I mean really. I need to figure that out.
Yay. lalalalalalalalala. I'm gonna have such a good day tomorrow. kristi and kids at church then carolina ballet then hopefully kristi and john's harp and bowl thing gum. And keith is home from college and I only have dance til 4 on saturday. life is good.
Ok, ta-ta.

2005-03-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

God, why this knot inside?
why can someone say two words and I feel like crying?
why such a battle?
what are we fighting for again?
for souls? but I don't save souls.
the only one I've maybe saved was my little bro when he was three.
for you? but you're strong enough to stop the battle
against the devil. yes, but why?
why this struggle that seems hopeless and pointless?
why won't the end come?
but I've only just begun to live
days turn around so quickly
one second your happy and safe and the next you want to run thru the rain and to the other side
just run until it all goes away
why can this one I love so much hurt me so easily without ever wanting to
they want to help; to heal
only you can
and your words; walk in the light as He is in the light and you will have fellowship with one another
how am I ever supposed to do that?
or, we proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us.
does that mean that if we tell our little stories we'll have fellowship?
and what is fellowship anyways
and why, when some ppl share their stories, you just want to get away
is it me?
should I just deal with it? how?
I can't handle this
God. the oppression is here. where's the light?
"it's ok. it's ok. this is passing. I'm here. with you; beside you. I share your burdens; your many burdens.
be comforted my child. "
it hurts, and the hurt is so old and so deep.
its hurt so long Jesus. and I don't have hope for any end.
"I know how you feel. it happened to me too. I saw people die. so many people. many slowely.
I saw people suffer. every soul. I saw. I suffered and hurt for them. each soul. each precious body.
I see people with broken hearts and broken bodies that just get worse every day and so many die who never fought the battle. those who don't fight are lost.
But still I am. I died, but will never die again. I am God. that is enough. I will water your soul.
I can do as I please. and I please to bless my people. to free my people.
I know so many are torn; broken. but the rain is coming down. you can run. run with a smile on your face.
the war is won my child. if you seem to have lost this battle do not worry. Do not worry.
I am with the loser and I am the winner. you cannot both lose and win. I, who have won, live in you.
Victory resides in you. You can have confidence in this. I will never leave you nor forsake you.
I can never ignore you or give you up or lose you. You are mine."
and you are mine.
you are my God b/c i have chosen you. I was young and didn't know about other gods when I chose you.
Now I know of other Gods and I say you're the best. the only one with Victory. I'm glad you chose me to choose you. I wouldn't want any other god to ever live in my heart. Be mine Lord Jesus.

ok, I feel better now. much better. yesterday was kind of a bad day. I had a spanish midterm that didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I stayed at home a lot and then went to the Carolina Ballet rehersal and came back crying because I felt ignored and discouraged and not at all skinney enough to ever dance. But then Keith, mom and I went on a walk in the beautiful weather in the dark. That was good. then me and Keith met Leslie at southpoint and we had a most delightful time. I love my Leslie. So I woke up this morning and had a prayer time. the begining was just like reading stuff and trying to encourage myself without success. I was dreading going to Carolina Ballet again this afternoon. So I asked God what was the deal with Carolina B. and he told me. :)
There is spiritual oppression over that place. It's what Jesus said. Don't ask me why, but that made my whole day so much better. The thought of demons being where I knew they were and where I was going to be is pretty exciting. possibly a stupid thought, but it made my day better. So I went to the said C ballet and prayed on the car ride there. It went better for me. I didn't leave depressed or oppressed. I didn't notice anything weird, but I don't know how I would. Anyways, I went to Modern at Raleigh school of Ballet (RSB) and got absolutely bored and blah feeling then went home. There I had an upsetting occurence which is when I came up here and wrote this in my lovely room where I'm safe and alone. With Victory inside me of course. :)
So this day went from bad to good to bad to good. At least it's ending good. you all can pray for me. tomorrow I have dance from 3:30-9. only an hour is where I decided there's oppression stuff though. But I have to drive from Carolina Ballet to RSB without getting lost and hopefully in 15 minutes which I have no idea how to do. That will be interesting. But I don't have class tomorrow at Durham Tech, so I can laze around in the morning if I want to.
buh-bye

how do you make a title when nothing in your post is connected?

2005-03-06T16:57:00.000-05:00

Rain
sprinkle, downpour, cold, refreshing
all rain; all different
cold bringing
life bringing
miserable; dancing in the rain
who's experiencing the rain?
homeless man, spinning child, dog, sparrow
is rain good?
the homeless man says no
the child says yes, but the childs mother?
and the dog; the sparrow
rain...

contemplations of my spirit
it reaches, oh so longingly
come satisfy me. something
when nothing reaches back it turns back inwards
nursing ache
wondering...
is it supposed to be like this
I'm in this body; trapped
can't fly to heaven
can't run with flailing arms
can't understand who I am or why
trapped
body, mind, spirit
they don't agree on what really matters
fighting, twisting, snarling
fighting for what truth they should all agree to
for what actions they will be held accountable
yet body, mind, spirit
all one
trying to join
to become one person
with one standard
one life
one God
the God

my spirit is refreshed by tongues, but mind and body remain untouched
my body moves to music, but spirit and mind remain unafected
my mind absorbs new things, but my body doesn't care
Prophecy... refreshes both spirit and mind
holy presence reaches all inside both
and of course excersise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy and everybody knows happy ppl don't kill people.

Ok, so I wrote one of those at like 4 and got interupted by Chris then wrote the other one and now it's several hours later. So the weekend was good. tiring. tomorrow is my spanish midterm so I've been studying. hopefully it won't be too hard, but the teacher isn't that good so i have no idea what it will be like.
The Ritches... I had fun hanging out with them. and they did like church. we all made a music video to Irene by TobyMac that is pretty cool. a little on the stupid side, but tons of fun.
Youth sunday. Yay! joy. I love it when your worshiping in the front with all your youth buddies and then this little girl less than half your age comes and stands next to you. The best feeling in the world. I missed everyone so much this past while. I hadn't been to church since 2 sundays ago. That's horrible.
hey, know what's funny? the johnsons had a goodbye party, but the dad doesn't leave til the end of the month and the rest of them don't leave til after war cry. Ha. I could have a goodbye party myself for leaving for mississip. I love having friends at church. last year and even last semster I didn't feel like I fit in at all with the youth group crowd. and Alyssa. you're my new hero. you're one who has given me a non holiday related gift since I can't remember when. you've inspired me. and it's the 2nd burned cd anyone besides my aunt has given me. the best.

So about the continuing dance saga for anyone who slightly cares. Jo might be amoung the few. Alfredo changed his dance around so I have my solo back! YES! victory is present. and now juli has james' solo and we can all be happy and live harmoniously. Tyler didn't even show up for his rehersal so we just sat around instead of practicing his piece. waste of time. And alfredo... rrrrrrrrrr... he started early and ended late. I hate that with a passion. Odio cuando él termino tarde. I don't know if that's right or not and I don't really care.

wasn't Isaac the cutest today with Fuller? awww.... drumming away. rythm? possibly. fuller was loving it. isaac is the church mascot. that's what I've decided. ok, this post is really long now and I have nothing in particular to write besides rambling which I could truly write all day so I'm going now.
g'night. the weekend is over. sniff.

a day of the past

2005-03-04T15:40:00.000-05:00

Today is the weirdest day ever. It's spring outside and holiday indoors.
This morning after class I hung out with Deborah Muffleman which I havn't done since last year. So thats weird.
Right now it's holiday atmosphere at home b/c Keith just walked through the door and both of the little kids have a friend over so there are ppl running about the house in this fine weather. Also our friends from Virginia, the Ritches, at who's house we play lazer tag on occasion, are coming for the weekend. That means that I won't be able to go to youth group, but that's the only down point. Although it is very sad to miss yg two weeks in a row.
The Ritches havn't been to our house in years. not since before I had my own room. This is so exciting. Also we're basically performing two dances at dance today so that's another thing. I'm so tired that I can't take it all in.

So the Carolina Ballet thing yesterday... yes I know my dance life is confusing and complicated. so sorry. I was so stressed over not knowing where to go or what to do that I cried yesterday. therefore the Copelia decision is not yet beneficial enough to be ranked as a good decision, but it probably will. hopefully. there is this really nice funny outgoing and rather strange gay black boy there. I'm assuming he's gay b/c he acts slightly that way and he's a dancer. I don't even know his name and I already feel more comfortable around him than the ppl I dance with every day. that's sad.

Our dang retarded car is in the shop. Arrggg..... Stupid.

Yesterday morning I was helping Kristi with her homeschool class and I had the kids on the playground. Well, their favorite game is some version of makebelieve. For example, the first week Josh and Jacob wanted to be called superman and spiderman. So we were out there I got to be Queen Kim. Very nice. And they all had to fight James Bond, but I just sat there being queen. And Josh decided he wanted to be prince, but Marissa didn't want to be princess.

Last night was the first Japan meeting. pretty good. fun with Mr. no friends. Ha! It will be a very interesting group. Japan. cool. me going to Japan. weird but way cool.

k going to socialize with dee-tee boy.

Copelia

2005-03-02T22:07:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. words don't explain it. I woke up this morning early enough that the moon was still shining bright. I usually wake up around 8 or 9. I'm tired even though I took an hour nap.
So today was my first day at Rana Capelli. There were barely any ppl b/c it just opened yesterday and not enough ppl know about it to stop by when the moon is still shining. It's nice there though. It's easy and low stress and nice ppl.

Ok, the ultimate decision. Do you ever get these decisions where neither one seems particularly pleasing and the need for a decision looms over your head and you just want to go cry in a corner or hit something really hard? being tired magnifies such decisions.
My month changing decision of the day was whether or not to dance in the Carolina Ballet's Copelia. After much much much inner turmoil and a bit of outer turmoil I said yes. Now I'm going somewhere tomorrow at 4:30. I don't know where or what shoes I need or if I'm an understudy or actually in the dance. I have no idea how many rehersals I will have or when or what days. I have a feeling it may over run my life, but then on the plus side...
1. I dance enough that I might as well get a new dancing experience and not be bored with the same teachers.
2. I get to dance with professional dancers
3. they actually asked me this time even if only b/c of desperation. usually they just ask most of my class to be in the production and leave me and this other girl out.
4. I will get to know Ash, Mariss, Claire and Giovanna and not feel an outsider.
5. I'm going out of my comfort zone. (in christian language)
6. did you notice I'm copying everyone else's blog in the world and integrating a list?
7. lalala I was so bored in class today I was singing along to the classical music in tongues.

enough list. so now my life is utterly full. I have dance, more dance, babysitting, durham tech, friday school, babysitting again, church, youth group, friends, email, blog, sleep, sleep (its so good it goes twice), and this weekend keith is coming home and our friends from Virginia are coming. We always visit them and I don't think they've visited us in years. So cool. they get to see my own room and probably come to church on sunday. ha. they might get a little freaked. we'll see. i don't know if I can go to youth group saturday though. thats sad. didn't go last week either. and won't go on the spring retreat b/c of Copelia probably. LIFE!!! Argggggggg.
I think I need to just pretend nothing is going on and I'm bored and just go to sleep.

Life,
full, empty, crazy
Gods near
never too much to bear
water comes right to the brim but never spills over

broken, hurt, pinching
see the horror, freeze
chaos, eternal frenzy
questions never ceasing
people close but not relating
turmoil, insides screaming

STOP
listen, peace
breathe.
whispers... hear them?
they are good.
listen

cartwheels, grass, playgrounds
talking, laughing, praying
sitting, breathing, blankets
eating. mmm... food
cozy, sleepy, cuddle
music, listen, hear it?

good night all. see some of you tomorrow.

Rana Capelli

2005-03-01T11:50:00.000-05:00

Hey folks! it's been such a while since I've blogged.
I'm in such a good mood. I've had a good half a week. So... I went to Winston Salem this weekend. It was actually fun. I think that I have such low expectations of trips with those girls that all of them were met and I just enjoyed myself. Amazing. On the way back I was so tired that I was quite inclined to talk constantly. so me and Marissa spent the whole hour home talking and now I like her better and I think she likes me better. Always nice. The only draw back of being gone on the weekend is that I don't get to see all of my buddies for a whole nother week. Which is quite a drawback. oh well. I've come to the conclusion that dancers are very weird ppl, but it really is nice to hang out with them sometimes b/c we can all talk about dance stuff and we all understand eachother.

So... rana capelli. guess what? I'm going to work at a coffee shop too and its called rana capelli. its in Raleigh so its far from all of you, but I'm excited. I start tomorrow. I have to get up at dang 5:30 in the morning though. I start at six. We'll see if I can wake up, get dressed, and drive 15-20 minutes all in a half hour. I'm sure not waking up any before 5:30. goodness no. as my dear friend kristen know (and anyone else who has witnessed my daily arising process) I am just not a morning person. just no.

Then thursday is the first Japan meeting. yay. that's exciting. then friday is my adjudication where we basically audition our pieces we do at this festival. so I get to perform 2 dances. (see if you were all dancers [thank the good Lord you aren't] I wouldn't have to explain things like that and still suspicionize that you don't understand what I'm talking about).
And, the best thing yet.... I made the coolest dandiest spifiest little rose yesterday. I have this calendar (of which I gave Jo a piece and anyone else can have a piece if they want) and I made this kick butt rose. I wish I had a camera so you could fully appreciate the beauty. I'm in love with several pieces of paper that I cut and folded. I think I will call it Rose and it will be a she.
she is my new pet. Kinda like a pet rock. the best kind. no feeding or cleaning after. just company and prettiness. Thats why I like Patches too. Rose is my new obsession. if I'm ever sad I will go to Rose and gaze upon her.

ok enough. I'm reading "Come to Papa." its really good. you should all read it. I was dejected at the worship night one night and Angel's mom came up to me and prayed for me and said some stuff and told me to read that book. Then she's like you will read it. And she was right. Cool. What's her name anyways? I like her a lot but I don't know her name.

Did you know God is good? he's smart too. I read that today and it stood out. Everyone knows God is wise and knowledgeable, but no one thinks of him as smart. how silly.
As you can see, I'm not in the most creative mode. and my post is suspiciously dull. therefore I shall go now.

bedtime

2005-02-25T23:46:00.000-05:00

I need sleep. Anyways, I'm going off in the early morning. Going off to Winston-Salem where I will dance and wear nice clothes and spend time with my lovely rich dancer friends. They're usually fun though. I'm dead tired at present though so I must be off to bed.
Last night Kristen spent the night and we had a marvelous time. We walked around south point, talked of course, and went and visited Alyssa at her coffee shop at the hospital where Kristen's mom works and we took pics of ourselves and various and sundry objects with Anna's phone. It was fun to see Alyssa. she didn't see me until about a minute after I was first in line and after Kristen said hello and she answered with some appropriate reply. I wanted to laugh my head off but I didn't. I'm sad that I won't see you all this weekend. That is very sad. Oh well now I really am going to my wonderful lovely welcoming bed. I miss it dearly. Adios.

Ack!!!

2005-02-23T23:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, so today I start dance at 5 for rehersal and don't get off til 9. four whole hours and Ms. LeGere decides to skip the easy part of class (turns) and just jump a whole lot extra. I got my excercise for the millenium.
ok, well I was going to be the main girl in Alfredo's dance and do partnering with this questionably gay black boy who got hyper really easily and didn't come to practice much. But no. He decided to be a retard and get kicked out of the company and school so now I don't have the main role anymore. This was the best part I've ever had in my life and now Juli is going to dance it with me instead of James and we all do everything together and I don't have any solos at all. Stupid. You don't give someone a good role for the first time and then take it away.
Anyways now that I'm rather vented. The rest of dance was good except my point shoes are almost dead.
I actually had a good day today. Didn't feel depressed at all and basically enjoyed myself. I went to lunch at Chili's with Carrie Gwaltney and Mom and ate a ton of food. Oh such a great amount of good food.
I'm going to be constantly busy til lets see... next Monday afternoon. I'm not too excited about that.
I won't see all of my lovely ppl this weekend. tear. I'm going to Winston-Salem for a dance festival. I'll take 2 classes Sat, one sunday, go to one performance and be in a dance in one performance. Plus I'll feel overweight around all of those stick thin ppl who think they're fat and feel stupid b/c I don't have a clue about the music they listen to, the TV they watch, etc.
It will probably be good this year b/c I'm actually friends with the girls, but last year was not fun. Can we say rich selfish skinney girls? Oh, cute, rich, selfish, skinny girls.
It's not actually that bad I'm just not feeling like being all optimistic about it. Ack!
Who ever said it was supposed to snow tomorrow anyways? They obviously did not go outside all day long.
Ok, as you can all tell by now I'm tired and really need to go to bed. Really.

k, happy thoughts...

God saves us so... Let the saints rejoice in this honor and sing for joy on their beds. Ps. 149:5

little thought from my prayer time a few days ago.

chasm

2005-02-21T15:57:00.000-05:00

Does music soothe your soul? does it make you feel comforted? Let you just breathe? It's like a mist. It slowely waters. slowely soaks in. refreshing.

Hurt.
deep... deep
heart reaching, feeling
not dead, but not whole
head twisted, churning, turning
looking, watching, wondering
Why?
why live when living hurts
why see when seeing blocks
things in your heart from things unseen
But
but there is life
there is healing
hurting has to end
it does right?
it must
How
how can life be so complicated
no one is alike
we all hurt the same
side by side
alone
Not always
there are friends
talk... talk
heart bonds; precious

there is shallow but also deep
depth so deep
so deep
but if I jump
into the deep
even if it is good
there is no return
the chasm does not allow for it
it

but its so dark
scared
what is happening
can't see
God?
"yes"
what you speak?
"i'm here"
but how
"i am the deep"
but I'm falling and its dark
"i'm here"
how
"i'm here"
but the dark; does it last
"light comes in the morning"
but I'm falling
"I will catch you"
but I'm falling so hard; so hard
"i'm here; by your side"
but then you're falling too
"but i'm big; i'm strong"
are you falling
"i have already fallen; oh so hard;
I'm waiting for you at the bottom"
really
"yes"
you can catch me
"yes"
but I don't want to let go
i'm scared
"but you're already falling"
oh
God?
"yes"
are you close
"oh so close"
ok

our blasted internet decided to miraculously reapear

2005-02-20T22:32:00.000-05:00

The internet works!!!!!!!!!!!!
Glory, wonder, utter amazement and awe.
It lovingly crashed on Thursday and I have been having a great many fantisies of video taping me and possibly others hacking my computer to bits and then watching the tape over and over and over and over again.
Goodness.

Soooo........ the past few days have been very full. Full of friends, emotions, and yes, even God.
My life is insane. Insane I tell you. Besides the family being stressed, the house seeming to fall apart (including computer problems frequent enough that Will Gwaltney seriously believes that we have a curse on our computers), and everyone trying to figure out what to do with a very diseased family member, mom got heart palpitations or some such vague heart scariness and she's currently getting tests at the hospital. I know that nothing is serious. It just isn't, but its still scary and its still enough to freak out my entire family.
So if you feel like praying for me about now that'd be welcome.

On a lighter note, I had a lovely time at Jo's house today eating her food and getting sleepy while watching Indiana Jones for the first time ever with wonderful ppl. And I also got "ministered to" or whatever you want to call it tonight at the worship night.
Now I'm off to go bloggering. I've been hooked and I must go read blogs. Must go.

gallimaufrey

2005-02-16T13:39:00.000-05:00

good days, good days. I love good days. i had a really good prayer time this morning and I'm conviced that is why I'm having a good day.
God is teaching me that our identities really do come from him and not how we dress or how much money we have or who we hang out with. I'm slowely, very slowely, beginning to listen.
its pretty nice.
And guess who got a 100 on her stupid "entrevista"? Oh yeah, Kim did. And the guys next to me got a 70 and a 59 respectively. They asked me how I did and I was like "well, I didn't fail." And on the writing thing gum i got 58 out of 60. Canton, the dude with the 59 didn't seem to pass that one either. Gloriousness.
And I'm still having a good day and its wonderful outside and if I can get all my work done in time I want to go read on the hammock. I havn't sat on it more than for 5 seconds.
Today I will be dancing from 4:45-9 though. We'll see if the happy-happy joy-joy lasts or not. hehe.
I'm reading That Hideous Strength by C.S. Lewis and he uses some of the coolest words ever.

The Warden Shovel surrounded the Wood with a wall "for the taking away of all profane and heathenish superstitions and the deterring of the vulgar sort from all wakes, may games, dancings, mummings, and baking of Morgan's bread, heretofore used about the fountain called in vanity Merlin's Well, and utterly to be renounced and abominatied as a gallimaufrey of papistry, gentilism, lewdness and dunisicall folly."

Anyways that doesn't make perfect sense but the word 'gallimaufrey' is just the best.

A day in the life of a Kim

2005-02-15T23:17:00.000-05:00

Hola ppl, I need to go to bed but am I? no. I am telling you all about nothing in particular.
I love being able to stay at least slightly connected to my church buddies during the week. The internet is such an amazing thing.
Today was an OK day. Meaning not a good day but not a day that is 0 on a scale from 1-10. I worked in the office at dance today. I don't particularly like doing said work, but there are these two families that are really nice that come Tues. I think I have been feeding this one lady false info on accident though and I hope it doesn't end up badly. Today I basically stuffed envelopes. It hurts to fold that many papers. Folding paper shouldn't hurt.
Dance class was ick. I hate Ms Galdy's classes. They are all exactly the same and if you've had 2 of her classes a week for the past 2 or 3 years that is almost unbearable. Also Ashley practically had a melt down and every one at dance is currently depressed. Maybe not quite that bad, but no one is happy. Also my back aches. It doesn't quite hurt it just aches enough that it's quite uncomfortalble.
Today was a spiritually blah day. I hate those days. Oh well. its kinda part of the process.
Thursday I'm probably going to the movies and Friday is Leslie's and then it's weekend land.
I'm skipping dance on Friday. Oh how exciting. YES! This is so sad, but oh its nice.
I've decided that I dance b/c I've done it so long now it would be pointless to stop, b/c I do love it on occasion and b/c somehow I know that God made me to dance.
And with that I'm going to bed.

busy, busy, busy

2005-02-14T15:15:00.000-05:00

Yep, I havn't posted in awhile... my weekend was crazy busy. Some of it was fun busy, but some was just too much. Friday I babysat, went to class, and then went to dance for 5 hours and then went strait to Ray and Jordan's B/day party which was just lovely. Saturday I was at dance for 6 hours and then went to youth group. Sunday I went to church and heard that black guy who got baptized's awesome testimony. It's not everyday that you see someone who was falsely accused of murder more than once and spent at least ten years in prison get baptized in your church. Pretty cool. Then I went to the Johnson's house in Cary and hung out with them and Rachel Mangum and went to Harvest's youth group. There youth group is miniscule. I mean SMALL. They meet in a basement and I knew half of the youth group with just knowing the Johnsons and Rachel. it was nice though.
It's weird... I've been hanging out with Rachel and Anna and Sarah since Collision b/c we got a prophecy that we were a group. They all know eachother, but I don't know them too much and they don't know me too much. But we're all good friends. I like prophecy.
Then this morning I studied for my Spanish entrevista which i guess is just talking in spanish and answering questions. It wasn't too hard. I was a real estate agent and talked about my two clients. Yup yup. Then I came home and have done the equivalent of nothing.
Feels good.

Saturday, Chung said God was singing Beautiful One over us. But we were singing it to him too. So me and God had a nice little duet to eachother on Sat night and it was a very interesting (in a good way) experience.
At Harvest youth group last night we all said who we thought God was. One person said I don't know. I think that's true sometimes. sometimes none of who God is seems to make sense and your so confused that you truly don't know who God is.
When I was thinking about it though the words Not Perfect popped into my head. I was like what in the world. God is perfect. I think that God is perfect, but he doesn't always seem so.
We have an idea of what "perfect" is in our heads even though no one can really comprehend perfect. So when God does something that doesn't fit in our "perfect" box we think God is mean or he messed up or doesn't know what he's doing. If I ever notice I'm thinking stuff like that I correct it and know its a lie, but we don't always think about what we think about if that makes any sense.
Another think I thought about last week was that there are countless numbers of gods out there. Jesus is the one True God. Satan and Buda and nice clothes and your hero can all be gods. Jesus is God.
Jesus is different b/c he is good. He cares about me more than I care about myself. He does not want me to change. He wants to change me. Other religions expect you to change yourself.

Right now in my life isn't easy. God is testing me and I believe that like Jerry said yesterday the promotion comes next. There are a billion things to think about right now. Who is God? Who am I? What do I do with all of the issues i'm just now discovering in my life?
These are good things to think about because if you truly ask God he will show you and he will change you if you let him. Change is not always happy, but with God it is always good.

Declaration of Natural Rights and Musings

2005-02-10T15:15:00.000-05:00

I'll bet you didn't know there was such a thing. Well there is and I'm well on my way to having it memorized. It's altogether too long to memorize, but I'll do it by tomorrow. Why does one need to memorize such a Declaration anyways?
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these rights are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness, that to secure these rights governments are institued among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed..." That is less than half, but it's the less than half that I know really well.
To answer Jo, I'm not entirely sure why last week was bad. Part of it was that the ski retreat stirred up some stuff that I buried and I had to deal with it. Also everyone at dance is feeling depressed and I'm there quite a bit. I also just had a bad week. Hopefully the yesterday being a good day and today being fairly average to good will become a trend.
Although God decided that he could use us the most when we feel like crap so an occasional bad day can actually be good. It's just the bad seasons in life when you get to the point that you don't care if God's doing moving around on your insides, you just want to feel good. I don't know, life is complicated.
I finally turned in my application to go on the Japan trip today. It took awhile. My comp doesn't open word documents and dad's decided not to like the internet for awhile so I finally filled it out this afternoon sitting on the floor in my parents closet with the keyboard on my lap and the mouse and modem on the bathroom floor. That's life for ya.

How do you describe feelings? happy, sad, mad. But then there are those yearnings in your inside that push for out and the satisfied pleasure of really helping someone. peacefully relaxed, or any mixture of things.

Marvealavette

2005-02-09T13:33:00.000-05:00

I dunno what that means, but it is a totally awesome word. I'm pretending to myself that it is something similar to marvelous in french terms. I woke up this morning and guess what? Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles I woke up happy. It still boggles my mind that such a thing is possible. The past week and a half have been some dirty word so waking up this morning was quite a shock. And let me tell you that I'm not a morning person so a normal days happiness does not happen until later in the day.
Last night I went driving with my lovely Leslie so that contributed. Today was a Spanish composition. I was so proud of myself, I wrote a page and a half in Spanish!!! Vaya! Truly amazing. My horrible teacher has actually taught me something. We'll see when it comes back whether the composition is really something to rejoice over or not though.
Have i mentioned I like my room? I like it. it's awesome if a bit on the small side. I need more pics of ppl though. AHHHG! My strong desire for a digital camera has resurfaced. Oh well.

bloggo numero uno

2005-02-07T23:47:00.000-05:00

Hello People,
This is my all new, beautiful blog. Blog numero uno. I thing bloggo should be a word. Like the new Lego or something. Anyway, I'm goin with the flow and following the leader. Or leaders I must say. George, Jo, Fuller, Catherine, Alyssa all got blogs before me. Goodness.
I have wanted a blog since I saw my dear friend Claire's xanga site a few months ago. Being that all of the Grace ppl have bogspot though I chose that. We'll see if anyone reads this or not, but regardless, I plan on enjoying my blogging experience.
Now I my need for a digital camera increases so that I, even I, can put a pic of beautiful me on up in the corner where it belongs.
Ok, I'm tired. Time for bed.