I wish you enough

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

I'm bored!
So, nothing is going on right now and I'm thinking about doing something that I will not enjoy just b/c my friend is. Nothing bad, but definitely not something I'll be comfortable at. There were tons of things to do tonight, but my back was hurting like crazy. So I don't know what to do. i'll go check mail. what fun.
ha.

Forever ago

So it was forever ago that I posted on this thing. Crazy. So school is really weird this year. Totally goes up and down all the time. Right now I'm pretty good, but earlier today was rough, but two days ago was amazing. A roller coaster. So I asked God some stuff awhile back and this is how he explained the whole back thing to me. I get joy out of dancing. I was made that way. But God is teaching me how to get my joy from him alone. So that means no dancing. That's not why this is happening, but that is some of the good that came out of it.
And during church today I was bored b/c I'm not used to Presbetyrian churches and so I was entertaining myself by listening to what God told me about ppl. This one girl lives in a verbally abusive home. Another didn't think she was pretty. Two of the boys I went to the church with wanted to be just like the pastor. They had a real desire to know God. There were a lot of really good men in the church. And then I prayed. I prayed because I didn't know what else to do. I felt bad for the girl with the messed up family. And it bothered me most of today b/c I didn't have anyone I could talk to about all this. And I didn't talk to any of the ppl God told me about. But I did pray.
It's amazing what you can hear if you listen. I asked God once what he was doing in the world and he told me. He told me several countries where he was doing certain things. I don't remember anymore, but it was cool. I just looked thru my journal trying to find what God told me about the countries. He's told me some good stuff recently, and I've been thru a decent amount of crap. I'm glad. It's made me fuller and more alive. To be truly alive in this world you have to be able to know God thru the pain and the joy and happiness. So, sometime soon I'm going to start to create. To create movement. And I'm excited. I can't wait to move. Jesus, I'm excited. I'll be able to play again and jump and create and just dance. And it won't hurt to sit in classes and I'll be able to touch my toes. yippee!!!
Till then I'll amuse myself with people, my camera, and knowing Jesus. It feels good to be able to truly know that I truly know Jesus and that I talk to him all the time.
I want to spread that sometime. THere is so much in this world that needs love. So much brokeness and despair. God I ask for hope in this place. In my college, in Durham, in America, in the world. I pray for hope. And I ask that you would step into those hopes and make them come to be.

so guys I'm home.... I'm doing fine, so we'll try this whole summer thing and with any luck it will all work out fine. I'll have to hang out with everyone, so call me anytime. Now I'm going to sleep in my own bed for the first time in forever. Goodnight all. see you soon.

scared

so... I have to think some things through and I'm going to do it here b/c few ppl read this and the ppl who do love me.
I'm scared to go home. I realized this today. First of all, before I go home I have to pack all of my belongings and empty my cozy home of a dormroom. Second, I'm gonna miss the people here like I have never missed anyone in my life. Especially Karyn. She's the one who saw me crying today.
What do I do with the pain in my life? I don't know what to do with it so I push it down so I don't have to deal with it. God, take my crap. I don't know what to do with it. Pushing things down really doesn't help. It's gotten so that almost everytime I even think about my dad I get upset. And he is nice and loves me and really wants to do what he can. It just hurts. And none of my stuff is going to fit back in my room because the house has expanded into my room so that it isn't really mine. That scares me because my room was my safe place for me to hide in. Here I havn't had to deal. I havn't had to be so patient. To suffer quietly. I havn't had to try to stay at peace when my family is falling apart. I havn't had to worry about money stuff much b/c I don't have any, but I don't need to spend any either. I havn't had to share a car. I havn't had a car, but I don't need one. Here I literally am only alone for one or two hours a day that I'm awake and the rest of the time I'm with my friends. I don't have to clean the kitchen or deal with peeing dogs. I have a friend upstairs and several other poeple that I feel safe around. That I feel safe enough to maybe talk about what I feel inside. Maybe. There are people here that like me and I know it and I can act as stupid as I want and it's fun. I talk here. I'm able to touch poeple here. I'm able to learn new things here. And dance like I never have before. I can go to the studios out of class time to mess around. I'm scared to be around my family. I love them all so much. Each one, but if I'm not able to be at a place where there is peace it destroys me inside. Here I can walk around campus and find a hideyhole out side where I can look at the sky. I'm going to have to deal with some stuff this summer. I know it and I'm not looking forward to it. My family status has changed this semester, but it hasn't bothered me because I havn't been near my family. I love Jesus, but recently I havn't felt him as often. He hasn't spoke to me as often. I havn't listened as often or spent as much time with him. And he's my father. I wonder if I can ever accept that. I've loosened my standards a little here. Not the major ones, just the exterior ones and I wonder if that will have to change back at home. I don't know what my role will be once I'm back. I don't know what my responsibilities will be or how I'll think of them or deal with them. I think it will be a good summer, but the reentry scares me. I'm excited about seeing all of you. Really, really excited. I'm excited that I have people back home that love me and want to spend time with me. Actual friends that I can chill with hopefully all the time. I didn't have that two years ago, just last year. I'm going to miss the dorm. Definitely not the food here though. It's gotten so bad that I think I have eaten less in the past two weeks than almost any two weeks in my life. I've still eaten a lot, but not compared to usual. God I don't know what to do. All of these thoughts just appeared out of seemingly nowhere this afternoon. THat scares me a little. They've been around and I havn't known or all this has been growing inside me without my knowing it. Weird. Well, I'll see you next sunday people most likely. pray please.

satisfied

I'm happy.
I am at peace now... we prayed Monday night, and I have spent time with Jesus every day this week which has been wonderful.
We had the Broadway Review show this week. It was super fun. I have never performed broadway sort of stuff before, and it's super fun b/c the audience gets so into it. It is totally different. Also, I've been able to spend more time with my best buddies... yay.
This morning was the last class of my Tues/Thurs modern class, and Mrs. Wynne let us improv to worship music at the end. It was refreshing. I havn't done that since I was home visiting youth group at spring break. That is why I dance. Truly. Worship is one of the best things ever. Maybe it is the best thing ever. At least for us to do. Mrs. Wynne was crying at the end. I've never had a dance teacher who lets her students worship and gets so touched she cries.
I love some of the people here and I'll miss them this summer, but I'm also excited to go home and see you all. One disadvantage to going off to school. So basically, I wrote this post to say that I'm doing better.
:)

turmoil

So.... I'm about ready to come home. Two weeks left, hopefully of fun and fellowship.
right now I'm meloncholy. I think it's from the sermon I heard yesterday. It was good, but not really concluded. He talked about the things that shape us and had us remember the first time someone else's decision effected us negatively, the first time we realized the evil force in the world, and other questions like that. They basically brought to mind every huge struggle I have ever come across, and some are far from resolved. Those are the sort of things I don't dwell on because they mess up my emotions. I suppose I ignore them... I don't know. So then he made us think of the first time we knew someone unconditionally loved us, and the first time we were saved and stuff. These things aren't as big landmarks in my life. I don't remember firsts, they have always been. I was raised into all of these things and I don't remember when they transitioned from my parents beliefs to mine. I remember exactly when I first realized there was something wrong with my dad's body and that he wasn't stronger than anything else. I do remember when I realized my parents didn't really like eachother any more. I can feel the tension in my home last year. I can feel the uncomfortableness of being excluded at dance. I realized recently that it wasn't really them, but it was the fact that their child hood and my childhood had nothing in common. It is hard to be comfortable around people you have nothing in common with. Someone said last night that they hate hospitals. That made me think of the two bad experiences I have had with hospitals. One on a thanksgiving and one this year. All of these things are churning around right now and my best friends havn't gotten back to school yet. And one of them was just with his best friend who lost her mom and doesn't have a dad. I don't know how he's doing. So... the sermon was "good" but it definitely didn't make me focus on God and Easter. And I can't even dance normal b/c my nerve still makes it that I can't lift my right leg more than 45 degrees without pain and my back hurts.
but we'll have prayer tonight. We can't forget this week. It's important.
None of this is new though. I've delt with it all before. Obviously not permanently, but enough for awhile.
Jesus, give me peace please.