hope

So much emotion at holiday time....

The hurt seems to hurt all the more but there seems to be joy everywhere.
people have fun even when they aren't enjoying themselves. This is the time we remember what we once had. What we've lost. But also what we've gained. experience. a view on life that is somehow older. maybe even wiser. You see what friends you have and what friends you used to have. Some are able to be reconnected with. some....

something I have noticed recently is that you should never shun someone for something they've done unless it's absolutely neccessary. Even if they do stupid things you can still be their friend. And maybe you don't know all the details. maybe they did the right thing and you looked to shallow to see the real issue.

right now people are changing. my friend is facing insecurity like she has never seen before because her grandma is dying and it could impact her very core. my family will go thru Christmas like it has never seen or imagined. I see broken hearts everywhere i look. crying out. it is heavy this year around me. but there is so much good. I see light beginning to peek into one relationship so that I saw a real person in my once best friend for the first time in about three years. I see people living through the pain. living and loving and laughing. I see hope. in this place that seems to defy hope at times.

paper thin
bends, crumples, tears, smudges
touched by someone close
ripped
scared to be close
scared to open
fear of being pierced

what if
the rain comes
pressure comes
the world is torn asunder
nothing can ever be right; whole
those you love don't know you

then the sun comes
the paper thin
can be patched, erased, smoothed
worn, but whole
and somehow things end up right
really right
as if paper thin was new
it's worn and beautiful
a useful antique
beautiful and steady

miracles are true
the tear can mend
fully with no mark
the creases add to the life of it
paper thin and safe
enclosed
in firm
flexible still, moveable still
ready to try
to trust?
to be touched by someone
someone close

no guarantee
paper thin
must hope
hope that this touch won't burn
gentle?
can it be?
must hope
without hope
no evidence
only smudges and tears
hope

Guess what.....

I'm Home!!!

coming home...

So guys... I'm all packed up and I head out tomorrow morning. If you see this before then pray for me b/c i'm driving 14 hours with another girl in her car that had broken down 5 times this semester. So I'll be home soon. I don't know what to think of it. I'm excited though, I finished my first semester of college and I have seen all my grades but for one class and I've done well in everything so thats exciting.
going home...
after so long, but will it be the same? change? I've lived elsewhere so long... adjustments; readjusting to home. Will the troubles be the same? better or worse?
I know it will be wonderful though. Seeing my family, hanging out with friends, good food, good food, non cafeteria food, edible things to eat at any time of the day, and going to church where there is good worship, and seeing people of all ages, playing with kids, driving, not paying for shampoo or toothpaste, and knowing that these wonderful people that I have come to love will be back when I come back in a short time at the beginning of next year.
This has been a good semseter. I've loosened up and gotten more confident and comfortable being myself. I've gotten closer to Jesus even though I definitely went through grace church worship withdrawl. I've made friends with amazing people and been encouraged by so many compliments and smiles. The dancing environment here is 1000 times better than what I was in last year. I love to dance again. I realized that it has been since I was eleven since I have had such a good environment to dance in. Yay.
I have to unplug everything including this computer