heavily laden

I'm feeling down. My face is down b/c I'm tired, my mind is down b/c it doesn't know what to think.
I've had a lot lately of seeing the things that I want to do, then looking at where I am right now and not seeing any potential connection. I'm also quite ready to go home and see people that I have know for a long time. I want to have deep conversations without listening to the other person the whole time. Actually I only really had one friend at home that that had much chance of happening with often and I havn't really been her friend in a year and a half. There are people here that have potential, but the one person I could just go up to and say I'm feeling glum talks a lot. Well, I don't know.....
So this heavyness started yesterday and there was a slight release this afternoon. I had a good afternoon. The first good ballet class in the new building. Contact Improvisation... Always good.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. do not let your heart be hardened and do not be afraid.
John 14:27
It didn't work too well today. In chapel this morning I had the first Grace church like worship since I'd been here. I could have cried. I miss that so much. Walking into the back of church, giving hugs to three or four people and leaning back and pouring out your emotions to the God of the universe. I can do that here sometimes, but it's different with different music and different people. And I havn't danced during worship once. I miss it. We did have the most amazingly wonderful improv class ever last week though. That was possibly my all time best dancing experience.

God I'm perpelxed
I'm heavy inside
still but churning
I crave and desire
I need
NEED
i need to see your face
to feel your breath
to know your goodness
to have peace

where did it go?
so fleeting
here for so long
vanished
alone
looking around
pupose?
reason?

God?

i know i should sleep
i should rest myself
i need to do school
and laundry
and financial aid
and what about India?
do you want me there?
I would like to visit this summer

i need beauty
i need to feel the blanket of your love
i need people to come to me
encouraging
without my asking
Jesus here I am
in this state
of being laden
laden down
i invite you
be lord
be lover
be close