Blessed goodness

Ahhh... my computer works. Finally. God bless America!!!
I had the bright idea to check all of the router plug things in mom's closet. And wonder of wonders there was this nice little cord just laying there on the ground. All forlorn like. And I took it upon myself to connect that plug and place him where he belonged. And mom just told me the dryer guy fixed the dryer today while I was gone. Blessed goodness.
I must apologize to anyone who actually does read my blog on occasion for my lack of posting in such awhile. The stupid computer. And I even tried posting at dance and it didn't work. Dunno why. I don't know why bloggie had to die right after I had posted my crap post. I wanted to post happy thoughts but no... I couldn't.

Guess what? I had a good week. Sunday through the present now. And it is wonderous. I love ppl being on spring break so that I can see them at least once during the week. Even though Raleigh and Durham/chapel H should get together on the whole spring break thing so that the coincide.

Have you ever seen a mass grave of those orange cone things? It gives me joy every time I pass. It's not the cone ones though, its cylindrical ones that are bigger. And they're all just piled in a huge heap by my exit off of the Durham Freeway. It really is a glorious sight.
My hands smell like coffee. I had my 2 day of work today. At Rana Capelli. I'm getting a tad better.

Yesterday Jo wanted to take a visit to Duke Gardens. Last night I got the craving for a picnic. Well maybe this morning. Anyways, I think sometime, the children should take a picnic visit to those illustrious gardens of Duke.

Ok, Tuesday I had the most fun ever! I was all by myself at home and got this gorious idea to do in lew of not having working internet. So... if anyone of my Japan buddies gets an odd letter, just laugh. :)

All three of you who actually read my blog on occasion and any others that just happen upon it should come see me dance this weekend. We're performing Saturday at 7 (which no one I know is going to be at) and Sunday at 2 at the BTI center in the Fletcher auditorium. There is potential for several excess dances b/c we're performing with the St Mary's school. But it's free and I have the best part I ever have had. A solo and everything. pretty exciting. Just so long as I don't fall over or blank out or anything. But what ever. You should come. Yes... You!

My back is so stinkin sore. It just hurts. Guess why? yup you're right. Marissa got her braces off yesterday. It was truly the funniest thing ever. The entire four hours she was there she was grinning and staring in the mirror. I've never seen anyone look at their teeth nearly that much. She even took several pictures of herself with her camera phone. One close up of just her teeth. It was hilarious. She's one of those ppl who you can always tell what they're feeling b/c its so obvious that you'd have to be blind and deaf not to notice. Well I don't think I'd ever seen her so happy and it was funny. Plus this random guy was watching class b/c he might take classes at RSB next year while he goes to Duke and he had no clue that she had just gotten her braces off.

oh but I can't wait til my letters get to ppl. I really wonder what they'll do. Really. hehe.
Marvelous breakthough! I can go to Catherine's tomorrow night. hehehehhehe. So I'll spend the night and get there super late and everything. Must sleep though. Otherwise I will fall over in my lovely little dance.

I love my life. isn't that strange. sometimes I hate it. but right now I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Crap

How are you right now?
Me... I feel like crap.

weary wonderings
why?
oh my Jesus why?
whats the point?
God!
my life is so unpredictable
one day its happy happy, joy-joy
the next... well kinda like today
Well, this morning was fine
just fine
even the afternoon was fine
just fine
I feel like I'm being squeezed on all sides
but I don't know why
or how to get out
And mom told me today that i'm not alone
that that is a lie
but I still believe it
crap!
and that was not a poem so no one think it was.

tear
slipping, sliding
drop
there is so much inside
there was just no room
tears
crying out from the inside
creating space
less pressure
maybe
maybe not
life is short?
do some people have blessed lives
I do
but only spiritually blessed
rich
all emotions experienced fully
at least
it's not mundane
shallow and unsatisfying
could you imagine...
living without God?
I truly can't imagine.
its hard enough as it is
and you don't know if you should ask God to bless your unsaved friends b/c if they're blessed they might not cry out. not become so desperate that they look for help. Ok, this started out rather poemish, but no longer. poemish no longer.
Tonight after Katherine's Holland meeting we are going to Virginia to visit the Ritches. We'll come back Saturday. So i can still come to church to see my ppl. good thing.
Ya know what? I was supposed to mail my begging letters today. Did I? not even close. I still need stamps. I don't care though. I'm so stressed and confused that I'm just not going to til Monday. If we go in debt to the airline company because of me... oh well. dont' really care. Ha! No, dont' worry I'll send the stupid things. But I think I'll make my own less special cards than Fullers, b/c my comp is stupid and it won't work with them.
I'm going now. to find a book to read in the car. I'll probably just sleep though.
Please pray for me and my family right now. We're not having an easy go of it.

mmmm.... rock climbing ahhhh......

Have you ever walked into a room full of inanimate objects, and been quite convinced that one of them was situated in such a way as to deliberately give you a start?
Well our dryer just decided it needed a break on saturday so my beautiful room is full of wet laundry. In fact I removed a shirt from my chair in order to sit down and some of the damp has invaded my trousers. Anyways, my clothes were apparently quite tired of my room (being that they stay here almost 100% of the time) and they, partucularly a pair of blue capris, decided to become as animate as they could for the duration of my walking into my room and turning on the light. They were rather suprisingly good at it too.

My homework today for Spanish was to learn all of the spanish Fuller could ever want to know. All about cars. Pisas el acelerador (Step on the gas), se abrocha el cinturón (buckle up), and my all time favorite: atropella el perro (run over the dog). Another good one is: choca con el arbol (crash into the tree). The wonders of languages.

Yesterday I went rock climbing with Erin Gubitz and Mandy and Catherine person. It was fun. I am now a belayer. whoopee. By the time I got home my hands were so tired i could barely wash them. Even now balling them into loose fists reminds me of trying to cling on to small pieces of "rock" screwed onto a wall. It was a totally different world. There were ppl there, and you could tell they came all the time. Like my world is dance, their world was climbing. And today we went into a bike shop and this guy was there (he was cute) and you could tell that his world was the world of bikes. It's amazing how many dang worlds there are. And you mostly aren't even aware of the ones that you aren't a part of.

mischeif! hahahaha. what you don't know can't hurt you. (maybe) but it may suprise you, shock you, confuse you, or block your reasoning facilities. One never knows. Well I guess One always knows, but Two never knows.
Did you know it really stinks to have your dryer broken? oh and our DVD player broke sunday so the dvd watching arena is guess where. My bedroom! with all of the half-animate clothing. And Chester is in the shop for breaks, so I can't drive myself to class tomorrow. Instead of waking up at 9:30 b/c my class starts at 11:00, I have to leave the house at 10 til 9. Oh the agony. Oh well, if I was actually in school I would think that was sleeping in. Or even if my mom decided to be a homeschool nazi mom.

people amaze me. for many reasons, but the current one is how they can suprise you with how much they care. About the amazingly selfless ideas they can come up with and even carry out on occasion. Especially when the person usually does such dumb stuff and seems so much more self aware than any other ppl aware.

Today I emailed Maria from Romania back. It's so sad. It bites when you make really good friends with someone and then fly away and you know you'll probably never ever see them again.

My life has been really weird since Saturday. This week I have no dance so I'm at home a lot, but I still have more than enough to do. I'm busy, but not at the same time. Ick! Plus this weekend my life kind of changed. oh well. I'll sort it through eventually.

Jesus...
what a good word, name. can mean so much. does mean so much.
Jesus could I put my hope in you? I know you want me to, but am I able? The way I am... so hard. I try to trust you. It seems like it should be easier to trust myself or my family. Well, it is easier, but then life happens. and it's harder to trust in general. Not the kind of trust where you believe the other person. that trust is easy. it's easy to believe words. to know they must be true. It's a whole other thing to actually trust that your life is in God's hands and that you don't have to take it back from him every once in awhile just to check in on it's up-keep. I mean God is invisible and your life is sort of invisible and if you can't see it you at least want to tap it sometimes to make sure its there. You know it has to be. It's obvious. but you don't entirely trust. It's not like a trust fall. you fall over and this person swears to catch you and you feel like your falling, but you know they'll catch you, and if they don't you'll bump your head and then bump their head as well. It's like you have no idea what your life will become or what to do even just tomorrow. It might snow, your dog might die, you might find 20 dollors. But then there are things that you are responsible for. But you still should trust God. But you have to do them b/c God isn't going to physically mail out letters begging for money for Japan or ask your teacher where you should dance this summer, or apply for a job or any of that. But you still should trust God about it. I don't quite get it.
Oh well... I believe God is in charge and should have good plans for my life and somehow he'll work out the details and everything. Jesus, give me peace. And assurance would be nice too.

storm

peace in the midst of a whirlwind
is this the eye,
the calm before the storm?
should I wait for the winds to pick up once more
or are they dying down
blown so hard for so long

I fell off a cliff yesterday
but the drop wasn't as far as I thought
is gravity failing?

but outside is all the same
beautiful day
beautiful trees
bird noises and breezes

maybe this is the calm after the storm
I hope
oh how I hope
I don't know if I could handle
another storm
ripping, tearing, rushing through
through my heart, my life, my world
turned upside down?
downside up?
I'm turned around
confused

life
so predictable
keeps going, time's ticking
but then,
what now?
it jumps out at you
your heart stops short
draws back like it touched an iron

and Pa.
sittin' up above
watchin' as one more thread
is woven into his tapestry
life

the brightest threads come from storms
bright purples, blues and oranges
rich colors
colors that feed you through your eyes
they came
because he left
but didn't leave entirely
not my heart
not even my life

yes, the storm's not through yet
winding down
still with power
power to teach, to freak, and to leave
leave colors
that the tapestry maker can weave
weave into his masterful design

who knows
your purple, my blue and his orange
all intertwined to form something
somthing so breathtaking
awe inspiring
healing even

peace
why does it seem so fleeting
so hard to grasp
yet Almighty swore we could have it
yet it slips
slides away easily
stays for awhile
visits
please move in
live here
there's a place for you

oh prince of peace
what a glorious name
wonderous
peace won't slip
won't slide in his hands
comes when called
and responds eagerly
eager to aid and asist
asist the subjects of that prince
Prince of Peace


calm this storm

goodbye

Everyone in the world is leaving me this weekend. they are going on the Spring retreat. Me? I'm going to the BTI center and sitting backstage and probably reading my book. Why? b/c Ms. LeGere convinced me it would be a good experience and I convinced myself that I'd probably perform and I'd get to know the girls better instead of just decide they're totally and utterly lost and not too much fun. Yet, all is not lost. I'm not depressed over this turn of events like I could be. I get to go to class today and a guest teacher is teaching and that should be some definite good.
doo-te-doo.

smells so good. The delightful wafting of meat cooking. Why is food so good? it tastes good, smells good, looks good depending on what it is, and it is good for you. Not many things are like that. Well I guess water tastes good if you're thirsty, feels good if your hot, sounds good if it's a river, smells good after rain, looks beautiful in clouds and is of course so good for you that if you don't like it you're sort of dead.

It's so hard for me to know who I am. I hear different things from different ppl and I sense some things I wish I didn't. I know I am God's, and that he loves me more than I can imagine, but I don't generally act on that knowledge. My self talk is not exactly God talking. I suppose thats what generally happens. Well, I know I'm loved and secure because God made me and I really must go now. Hopefully that guest teacher person at dance is good.

blog sweet blog

Hello folks, the Holloway computer has acted up once more and prevented me from blogging. And I wanted so badly to yesterday. sooo....
Yesterday morning I drove so much that I got a slight sunburn on half of my face. I drove more than 2 hours. in the mornin time I went over to my buddy Kristen's house. All the way out in Haw River. We went and visited this coolio gravesite in the middle of a field on top of a hill by her house. There were ppl who came over from England and Ireland around 1750. The Thomsons I think. A few were killed in the Civil war. Crazy. Then we drove to Burlington and went in two shops. Then I went home and ate. I always eat when I come home. I don't know why. Then I went to the BTI center in downtown Raleigh. I definitely got lost and had no idea where to go and was more than totally confused. I parked in the front of the building and walked all the way around that humongous building before I figured out how to get inside. then I asked this security guard person where I should go and he told me somewhere, but it was wrong. then I finally figured out where all the people were and how to get to them. good thing I didn't have to dance b/c I was quite late. Being that I didn't have to dance though, it didn't matter that I was late. so tuesday, the girls weren't nice and I have decided that they are all selfish and that I had so much grief over them the past 3 years b/c they don't care about me. Or thats how they act most of the time. But then every once in awhile they'll be nice and it just throws me off a little. So I got home earlier than normal and went out with mom and Katherine to Curves and then to southpoint. We had this coupon for the smoothie place outside the mall, but the guy was having so much trouble figuring out the coupon that he gave us the two smoothies for free. Always good. Some major major brain freeze though. My brain is feeling odd just thinking about it. So today I went to class. I think I am getting the best grades in the class. Seriously. And I'm still in highschool. The midterm was so bad that she curved it so my 95 went to a 101.5 I was happy. I don't show ppl my grades though b/c they're like I got a 72 after the curve what did you get? I just say I'm not telling but I did better than I thought. I didn't even do that good on the test. she graded leniently. like this one thing was definitely wrong, but it had to do with the same subject and she counted it right. Ha!
Then I drove to the BTI center again. Today was better. I parked in the right place although it was muddy and raining. Then after I watched the show once, we went to dinner in Claire's car. Eugine came. I don't know how to spell that name. He is a thousand times better than the RSB girls. I feel so much more comfortable with him or anyone else basically than with the girls I see every day. That is incredibly sad. But I'm a senior and then I'll go somewhere else and start over with new dancer girls who are mostly christian and stuff. The one thing I've gotten from this Coppelia experience is that I now know I want to be a professional dancer and not just a teacher or some such thing. The cuss a lot though. Oh well, I suppose most normal ppl do.
I always feel inferior around them though b/c they always dress nice and always look cute and buy all this name brand stuff. Like Claire got a Juicy jacket today(don't ask me what that means) and she said "I know the tag is ripped, but it was only $30 so I couldn't pass it up." She also said that about some $70 name brand jeans awhile ago. They are totally insane. But they are all so unhappy. Marissa hates dance and is only doing it b/c it looks good on a college transcript. That is about as retarded as it gets. Ok, I have to say that the guys look totally different in rehersal than in the performance. Guys with tights, makeup, and gelled hair is a rather disturbing sight.
Oh well, thats life.
I was supposed to drive this girl, Emily, to the theatre from her school tomorrow, but she never gave me directions and I don't even remember which school she goes to. I guess she's gonna be stuck at school a little longer than she hoped for. I think I'm going to skip the performance tomorrow and go to the Japan meeting. Marissa is skipping it too so thats good. No one should break their ankle or anything so that should be fine.
Yup folks this is a taste of my world. When I called this blog my own little world I meant it. It includes my dance life, my church life, and a little of my home life and school life. Life is so vast. I could write all day long and not tell you about one day. But other times there is absolutely nothing to say.
Anyways, this post is kinda long, but I missed writing about who cares what since, oh, two days ago.
g'night

only got 10 min

I havn't posted in days. so sad. brings grief to my heart. This weekend was fun and I got to see ppl thursday thru sunday as opposed to the usual just sat and sunday. Mighty fine.
Been dancing everyday. ick. I was asked to be an understudy for Carolina ballet and accepted. blah. why? dunno. I felt much pressure, real or imagined. But folks, I'm not performing and may miss most or all of the Japan meeting thursday. if that ends up to be true Jeremy's gonna skin me alive. I aluded to the possiblity this weekend and he wasn't particularly fond of it. eeek!
Half of my neck is cricked. if I turn it to the right it hurts. Today was such a busy day. Busy with lots of little details that I didn't deem important this weekend. like ordering $160 worth of ballet shoes. those things are freaking expensive.
I did a rough draft of my Japan letter. Yes! I am the coolest. I was quite proud of myself.
ok guys, next week is my spring break from dance so if anyone is doing something give me a call b/c I'm probably going to be sitting bored at home. Fridays are usually my busiest day of the week, but good friday I have NOTHING to do. It's truly amazing. No babysitting in the morning, no friday school, no dance, no nothing.
k, I must be off to dance.
ta-ta

wishy-washy thru me

That was the title of the poem that I made today. The word "was" is key in that sentence b/c my beautiful poem was mercilessly destroyed by the ploys of my evil computer. grr... I wanted to burn it up. or down. or just burn it. (the comp not the poem).
So.... my sunday plans were ruined today and it very nearly ruined the rest of today too. At carolina ballet I look at the rehersal schedule for today and see that it's til 6:30ish. then Marissa or Ashley or someone points out that that happens to be sunday not today. eeeek! I have to be at CB from 12:30-6ish. I was very unpleased. as Alyssa would say there was a big void where any pleasure I might have had from that might be. (maybe she wouldn't say that, but she said something rather similar tonight.) That totally ruined my plans of going to lunch with all the cool ppl who go to lunch on sundays. alas. Also I was supposed to drive Chris to his friends house after church b/c mom is at the beach so now he has to find a ride or something. Also, the cast list got up and I'm not on it at all, which would be ok to just be an understudy except all of the ppl in my class who are in Copelia are on the cast list so I will probably end up talking to someone in charge about it to see if I really am not performing. that would totally stink b/c all my friends are performing and I would just have wasted a ton of my time. even now I just want to hurt something. so my day was nearly ruined and I arrived home in a foul mood and expressed greif, anguish and frustration in a beautiful poem that made me feel all better but when I tried to post it it got deleted and the foul mood decended once more. but then I called Jo and leslie and Fuller and fuller actually answered his phone and I figured out that all of the peeps were at Sips. I was like, "I'm going." but I didn't know how. so I knew it was near my aunts house so I figured out her exit off of the durham freeway in mapquest and then relied on my subconsious, ancient memories of going to Sign of the Fish or whatever christian bookstore used to be there. That was so long ago that I played back in the little kiddie section in the corner where they had the TV and pillows and ripped up books and stuff. That was back in the day that for mothers day mom would drive us over there and we'd all pick something out for her and give it to dad and he'd pay for it and we'd wrap it at home and give it to her for mothers day. The joys of growing up in a one driver household. we did that at the dollar store for christmases. Ha! and Chris ended up with like 3 of the same coloring books one year b/c we all got him practically the same thing. Ah... good times.
So I made it to sips and got there alive and well and all and hung out with cool ppl and enjoyed myself and got a tour of the torture kitchen with the crazy nasty floor. fun, fun. Then I went home and Chris and I went to Coldstone and split an ice cream and now I'm so filled with junk that I feel a little sick. coffee and cold spring rolls and ice cream all churning around down there. gross. maybe that's whats on the floor in the torture kitchen. who knows. Keith is going back to App on sunday. that's kinda sad b/c we barely ever talk while he's there and we're pretty close when he's home. hey, did you know that USA spelled backwords is ASU? pretty cool huh. I wouldn't think that ASU is the most patriotic school, but it is just the backwords spelling after all.
Alas, today has become tomorrow and I really must retire. I'll tell you more about my inner workings and possibly another poem at another time.

good day. yay. at least good end to my day. the beginning part was so boring I wanted to go crazy. I had nothing to do. at all. I went on a walk with Keith though and that was good. kept me sane. so I went to Carolina Ballet today in a rather bad mood, but then I started singing myself a song with no words and it perked me up.

Ok, Carolina Ballet. So the ppl were either friendlier or I didn't care so thats good. And I actually got to do it once. Eeek. I did really bad and it's kinda embarrasing to mess up dancing with a lot of professional dancers. especially the stuff with the guys. We don't dance together much, but theres this one lift and stuff. I definitely got in ppls ways and stuff, but it was my first time not marking it on the side. It's really fun to dance with guys or even just to watch the guys dance. I see girls dancing practically every day of my life, but some guys can really dance. like jumping in the air, turning twice and landing on the knee or turn, jump, split, other split in the air and then doing five turns. fun to watch. I have decided dancers are one of the most interesting groups of ppl ever. not good interesting or bad interesting. just intriuging (I have no clue how to sp that). there are about 20-30 ppl who are all about 18-30 years old. mostly on the younger side. Who wear sweats to work everyday where they do cool stuff in a big room with windows. They are all the weird group artists are and there are so many skinney ones. Especially Tanner. she reminds me of a bug shes so skinney. she's lively though. oh, and most of the dancers are foreign too. I would say over 2 thirds of them have a foreign accent and weren't born in the US. it's totally crazy. it's boring sometimes too b/c there is a whole lot of sitting around time.
so... the rest of my day, I drove over to RSB and had the first class since saturday. (we go to carolina ballet, but we dont really dance there, we just stay on the sides and learn this one dance) I really enjoyed it. It was nice to have a break from endless classes, then be inspired by professionals, then have an hour long class. pretty good. Then one of the teachers tearfully told us that she wouldn't be coming back next year. Doesn't affect me at all, but almost everyone was crying or about to cry. I wasn't about to cry and didn't even consider it an option til I noticed all of the red faces around. I didn't cry at Finding Neverland either. whatever. I cry enough. So then we had rehersal for Tylers piece. I really like that dance. you have to actually move and move in ways that you don't usually. so then I came home and on the way home I was in the best mood ever. I mean ever. I spun around in the street before coming inside thats what kind of a mood I'm in. i have had the strangest time recently. I'll go from utterly bored to happy to aching inside to giddy to tearful. weird.
I found out today, reading Jeremy's email, that for the Japan trip we can't ask for money from ppl at church. I don't know who else to ask money from. I mean really. I need to figure that out.
Yay. lalalalalalalalala. I'm gonna have such a good day tomorrow. kristi and kids at church then carolina ballet then hopefully kristi and john's harp and bowl thing gum. And keith is home from college and I only have dance til 4 on saturday. life is good.
Ok, ta-ta.

God, why this knot inside?
why can someone say two words and I feel like crying?
why such a battle?
what are we fighting for again?
for souls? but I don't save souls.
the only one I've maybe saved was my little bro when he was three.
for you? but you're strong enough to stop the battle
against the devil. yes, but why?
why this struggle that seems hopeless and pointless?
why won't the end come?
but I've only just begun to live
days turn around so quickly
one second your happy and safe and the next you want to run thru the rain and to the other side
just run until it all goes away
why can this one I love so much hurt me so easily without ever wanting to
they want to help; to heal
only you can
and your words; walk in the light as He is in the light and you will have fellowship with one another
how am I ever supposed to do that?
or, we proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us.
does that mean that if we tell our little stories we'll have fellowship?
and what is fellowship anyways
and why, when some ppl share their stories, you just want to get away
is it me?
should I just deal with it? how?
I can't handle this
God. the oppression is here. where's the light?
"it's ok. it's ok. this is passing. I'm here. with you; beside you. I share your burdens; your many burdens.
be comforted my child. "
it hurts, and the hurt is so old and so deep.
its hurt so long Jesus. and I don't have hope for any end.
"I know how you feel. it happened to me too. I saw people die. so many people. many slowely.
I saw people suffer. every soul. I saw. I suffered and hurt for them. each soul. each precious body.
I see people with broken hearts and broken bodies that just get worse every day and so many die who never fought the battle. those who don't fight are lost.
But still I am. I died, but will never die again. I am God. that is enough. I will water your soul.
I can do as I please. and I please to bless my people. to free my people.
I know so many are torn; broken. but the rain is coming down. you can run. run with a smile on your face.
the war is won my child. if you seem to have lost this battle do not worry. Do not worry.
I am with the loser and I am the winner. you cannot both lose and win. I, who have won, live in you.
Victory resides in you. You can have confidence in this. I will never leave you nor forsake you.
I can never ignore you or give you up or lose you. You are mine."
and you are mine.
you are my God b/c i have chosen you. I was young and didn't know about other gods when I chose you.
Now I know of other Gods and I say you're the best. the only one with Victory. I'm glad you chose me to choose you. I wouldn't want any other god to ever live in my heart. Be mine Lord Jesus.

ok, I feel better now. much better. yesterday was kind of a bad day. I had a spanish midterm that didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I stayed at home a lot and then went to the Carolina Ballet rehersal and came back crying because I felt ignored and discouraged and not at all skinney enough to ever dance. But then Keith, mom and I went on a walk in the beautiful weather in the dark. That was good. then me and Keith met Leslie at southpoint and we had a most delightful time. I love my Leslie. So I woke up this morning and had a prayer time. the begining was just like reading stuff and trying to encourage myself without success. I was dreading going to Carolina Ballet again this afternoon. So I asked God what was the deal with Carolina B. and he told me. :)
There is spiritual oppression over that place. It's what Jesus said. Don't ask me why, but that made my whole day so much better. The thought of demons being where I knew they were and where I was going to be is pretty exciting. possibly a stupid thought, but it made my day better. So I went to the said C ballet and prayed on the car ride there. It went better for me. I didn't leave depressed or oppressed. I didn't notice anything weird, but I don't know how I would. Anyways, I went to Modern at Raleigh school of Ballet (RSB) and got absolutely bored and blah feeling then went home. There I had an upsetting occurence which is when I came up here and wrote this in my lovely room where I'm safe and alone. With Victory inside me of course. :)
So this day went from bad to good to bad to good. At least it's ending good. you all can pray for me. tomorrow I have dance from 3:30-9. only an hour is where I decided there's oppression stuff though. But I have to drive from Carolina Ballet to RSB without getting lost and hopefully in 15 minutes which I have no idea how to do. That will be interesting. But I don't have class tomorrow at Durham Tech, so I can laze around in the morning if I want to.
buh-bye

how do you make a title when nothing in your post is connected?

Rain
sprinkle, downpour, cold, refreshing
all rain; all different
cold bringing
life bringing
miserable; dancing in the rain
who's experiencing the rain?
homeless man, spinning child, dog, sparrow
is rain good?
the homeless man says no
the child says yes, but the childs mother?
and the dog; the sparrow
rain...

contemplations of my spirit
it reaches, oh so longingly
come satisfy me. something
when nothing reaches back it turns back inwards
nursing ache
wondering...
is it supposed to be like this
I'm in this body; trapped
can't fly to heaven
can't run with flailing arms
can't understand who I am or why
trapped
body, mind, spirit
they don't agree on what really matters
fighting, twisting, snarling
fighting for what truth they should all agree to
for what actions they will be held accountable
yet body, mind, spirit
all one
trying to join
to become one person
with one standard
one life
one God
the God

my spirit is refreshed by tongues, but mind and body remain untouched
my body moves to music, but spirit and mind remain unafected
my mind absorbs new things, but my body doesn't care
Prophecy... refreshes both spirit and mind
holy presence reaches all inside both
and of course excersise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy and everybody knows happy ppl don't kill people.

Ok, so I wrote one of those at like 4 and got interupted by Chris then wrote the other one and now it's several hours later. So the weekend was good. tiring. tomorrow is my spanish midterm so I've been studying. hopefully it won't be too hard, but the teacher isn't that good so i have no idea what it will be like.
The Ritches... I had fun hanging out with them. and they did like church. we all made a music video to Irene by TobyMac that is pretty cool. a little on the stupid side, but tons of fun.
Youth sunday. Yay! joy. I love it when your worshiping in the front with all your youth buddies and then this little girl less than half your age comes and stands next to you. The best feeling in the world. I missed everyone so much this past while. I hadn't been to church since 2 sundays ago. That's horrible.
hey, know what's funny? the johnsons had a goodbye party, but the dad doesn't leave til the end of the month and the rest of them don't leave til after war cry. Ha. I could have a goodbye party myself for leaving for mississip. I love having friends at church. last year and even last semster I didn't feel like I fit in at all with the youth group crowd. and Alyssa. you're my new hero. you're one who has given me a non holiday related gift since I can't remember when. you've inspired me. and it's the 2nd burned cd anyone besides my aunt has given me. the best.

So about the continuing dance saga for anyone who slightly cares. Jo might be amoung the few. Alfredo changed his dance around so I have my solo back! YES! victory is present. and now juli has james' solo and we can all be happy and live harmoniously. Tyler didn't even show up for his rehersal so we just sat around instead of practicing his piece. waste of time. And alfredo... rrrrrrrrrr... he started early and ended late. I hate that with a passion. Odio cuando él termino tarde. I don't know if that's right or not and I don't really care.

wasn't Isaac the cutest today with Fuller? awww.... drumming away. rythm? possibly. fuller was loving it. isaac is the church mascot. that's what I've decided. ok, this post is really long now and I have nothing in particular to write besides rambling which I could truly write all day so I'm going now.
g'night. the weekend is over. sniff.

a day of the past

Today is the weirdest day ever. It's spring outside and holiday indoors.
This morning after class I hung out with Deborah Muffleman which I havn't done since last year. So thats weird.
Right now it's holiday atmosphere at home b/c Keith just walked through the door and both of the little kids have a friend over so there are ppl running about the house in this fine weather. Also our friends from Virginia, the Ritches, at who's house we play lazer tag on occasion, are coming for the weekend. That means that I won't be able to go to youth group, but that's the only down point. Although it is very sad to miss yg two weeks in a row.
The Ritches havn't been to our house in years. not since before I had my own room. This is so exciting. Also we're basically performing two dances at dance today so that's another thing. I'm so tired that I can't take it all in.

So the Carolina Ballet thing yesterday... yes I know my dance life is confusing and complicated. so sorry. I was so stressed over not knowing where to go or what to do that I cried yesterday. therefore the Copelia decision is not yet beneficial enough to be ranked as a good decision, but it probably will. hopefully. there is this really nice funny outgoing and rather strange gay black boy there. I'm assuming he's gay b/c he acts slightly that way and he's a dancer. I don't even know his name and I already feel more comfortable around him than the ppl I dance with every day. that's sad.

Our dang retarded car is in the shop. Arrggg..... Stupid.

Yesterday morning I was helping Kristi with her homeschool class and I had the kids on the playground. Well, their favorite game is some version of makebelieve. For example, the first week Josh and Jacob wanted to be called superman and spiderman. So we were out there I got to be Queen Kim. Very nice. And they all had to fight James Bond, but I just sat there being queen. And Josh decided he wanted to be prince, but Marissa didn't want to be princess.

Last night was the first Japan meeting. pretty good. fun with Mr. no friends. Ha! It will be a very interesting group. Japan. cool. me going to Japan. weird but way cool.

k going to socialize with dee-tee boy.

Copelia

I'm tired. words don't explain it. I woke up this morning early enough that the moon was still shining bright. I usually wake up around 8 or 9. I'm tired even though I took an hour nap.
So today was my first day at Rana Capelli. There were barely any ppl b/c it just opened yesterday and not enough ppl know about it to stop by when the moon is still shining. It's nice there though. It's easy and low stress and nice ppl.

Ok, the ultimate decision. Do you ever get these decisions where neither one seems particularly pleasing and the need for a decision looms over your head and you just want to go cry in a corner or hit something really hard? being tired magnifies such decisions.
My month changing decision of the day was whether or not to dance in the Carolina Ballet's Copelia. After much much much inner turmoil and a bit of outer turmoil I said yes. Now I'm going somewhere tomorrow at 4:30. I don't know where or what shoes I need or if I'm an understudy or actually in the dance. I have no idea how many rehersals I will have or when or what days. I have a feeling it may over run my life, but then on the plus side...
1. I dance enough that I might as well get a new dancing experience and not be bored with the same teachers.
2. I get to dance with professional dancers
3. they actually asked me this time even if only b/c of desperation. usually they just ask most of my class to be in the production and leave me and this other girl out.
4. I will get to know Ash, Mariss, Claire and Giovanna and not feel an outsider.
5. I'm going out of my comfort zone. (in christian language)
6. did you notice I'm copying everyone else's blog in the world and integrating a list?
7. lalala I was so bored in class today I was singing along to the classical music in tongues.

enough list. so now my life is utterly full. I have dance, more dance, babysitting, durham tech, friday school, babysitting again, church, youth group, friends, email, blog, sleep, sleep (its so good it goes twice), and this weekend keith is coming home and our friends from Virginia are coming. We always visit them and I don't think they've visited us in years. So cool. they get to see my own room and probably come to church on sunday. ha. they might get a little freaked. we'll see. i don't know if I can go to youth group saturday though. thats sad. didn't go last week either. and won't go on the spring retreat b/c of Copelia probably. LIFE!!! Argggggggg.
I think I need to just pretend nothing is going on and I'm bored and just go to sleep.

Life,
full, empty, crazy
Gods near
never too much to bear
water comes right to the brim but never spills over

broken, hurt, pinching
see the horror, freeze
chaos, eternal frenzy
questions never ceasing
people close but not relating
turmoil, insides screaming

STOP
listen, peace
breathe.
whispers... hear them?
they are good.
listen

cartwheels, grass, playgrounds
talking, laughing, praying
sitting, breathing, blankets
eating. mmm... food
cozy, sleepy, cuddle
music, listen, hear it?

good night all. see some of you tomorrow.

Rana Capelli

Hey folks! it's been such a while since I've blogged.
I'm in such a good mood. I've had a good half a week. So... I went to Winston Salem this weekend. It was actually fun. I think that I have such low expectations of trips with those girls that all of them were met and I just enjoyed myself. Amazing. On the way back I was so tired that I was quite inclined to talk constantly. so me and Marissa spent the whole hour home talking and now I like her better and I think she likes me better. Always nice. The only draw back of being gone on the weekend is that I don't get to see all of my buddies for a whole nother week. Which is quite a drawback. oh well. I've come to the conclusion that dancers are very weird ppl, but it really is nice to hang out with them sometimes b/c we can all talk about dance stuff and we all understand eachother.

So... rana capelli. guess what? I'm going to work at a coffee shop too and its called rana capelli. its in Raleigh so its far from all of you, but I'm excited. I start tomorrow. I have to get up at dang 5:30 in the morning though. I start at six. We'll see if I can wake up, get dressed, and drive 15-20 minutes all in a half hour. I'm sure not waking up any before 5:30. goodness no. as my dear friend kristen know (and anyone else who has witnessed my daily arising process) I am just not a morning person. just no.

Then thursday is the first Japan meeting. yay. that's exciting. then friday is my adjudication where we basically audition our pieces we do at this festival. so I get to perform 2 dances. (see if you were all dancers [thank the good Lord you aren't] I wouldn't have to explain things like that and still suspicionize that you don't understand what I'm talking about).
And, the best thing yet.... I made the coolest dandiest spifiest little rose yesterday. I have this calendar (of which I gave Jo a piece and anyone else can have a piece if they want) and I made this kick butt rose. I wish I had a camera so you could fully appreciate the beauty. I'm in love with several pieces of paper that I cut and folded. I think I will call it Rose and it will be a she.
she is my new pet. Kinda like a pet rock. the best kind. no feeding or cleaning after. just company and prettiness. Thats why I like Patches too. Rose is my new obsession. if I'm ever sad I will go to Rose and gaze upon her.

ok enough. I'm reading "Come to Papa." its really good. you should all read it. I was dejected at the worship night one night and Angel's mom came up to me and prayed for me and said some stuff and told me to read that book. Then she's like you will read it. And she was right. Cool. What's her name anyways? I like her a lot but I don't know her name.

Did you know God is good? he's smart too. I read that today and it stood out. Everyone knows God is wise and knowledgeable, but no one thinks of him as smart. how silly.
As you can see, I'm not in the most creative mode. and my post is suspiciously dull. therefore I shall go now.